


Trying Not To Love You  (And Failing)

by stripped-down-to-skeletons (and_the_devil_laughs)



Series: Falling for Friends [1]
Category: Bandom, Kpop - Fandom, Super Junior, suju
Genre: Enlistment, M/M, Mild Language, Super Junior - Freeform, i am so sorry forgive me for these sins, kpop, some language, strawberry couple, suju - Freeform, suju fanfiction, the whole crew is here its just focused on the strawberry couple
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-23
Updated: 2015-12-21
Packaged: 2018-04-23 00:29:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 21,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4856324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/and_the_devil_laughs/pseuds/stripped-down-to-skeletons
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryeowook has tried his best to ignore his growing feelings for Donghae, but eventually he is forced to admit to himself that he is in love.</p><p>Maybe it's time to confess.</p><p>The only problem? Donghae is newly dating Eunhyuk, and is as in love as anyone has seen him in. With a new production for their second movie as a group, Super Junior's fate looming uncertainly on the horizon, and new enlistments, will Ryeowook tell Donghae his feelings, or will it ruin everything they've worked to create?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Ignoring

**Author's Note:**

> I don't write in first person anymore, I'm simply uploading and completing this work from my old Quotev (I am so sorry that I can say that I have one). Please, show your support with a kudos! Or better yet, drop me a comment?

   Sungmin wasn't in the hotel room anymore- he went somewhere else to celebrate a successful concert, and the end of the world-tour. It was cause for celebration, and on any other day, I would have went with him, but for some reason, I couldn't get him out of my mind. I made an excuse--  _"I feel ill... lightheaded... I might just stay behind..._ "-- and everyone, not having a reason to not believe me, believed my lie. But I could never concentrate, when all I could think of were the eyes that Lee Donghae possessed. 

 

    It was a feeling that had been growing the entire day, born from a clumsy kiss and hug he gave me for making his breakfast. I hated liking it. And I still loathe that I could be hung up on it for the entire day, letting it interrupt my performance, and even my time with my other friends, the rest of the members. I could barely make the excuse to sit alone in this room when I saw how warmly and childishly Donghae regarded me. He wished me well, gave me a hug, and let me flee to these walls. 

    I shut my eyes, and let my self feel the shame I had been ignoring the entire day. No, it wasn't just today that I had noticed Donghae in a way I shouldn't. It had been these past 8 years that I have been trying not to notice one of my best friends. The only thing that changed...?

   I don't know. 

[~]

   
   I wasn’t sleeping very well—I was way too distracted by my own thoughts to be able to be calm enough to sleep—so it shouldn’t have bothered me so much when a knock came to the hotel door.  
   

    “Come in!” I snapped, too loud to be polite, too bothered to give a damn. Sitting up some, leaning against the backboard, Sungmin took my invite and quickly opened the door. “Ryeowook!” He said— loudly, too, though only because he came from a party—and flipped the lights switch. 

    “Aniyo!” I brought the blanket up from my lap and covered my eyes, blinded and upset even more so now that everything was lit to show the uncleanliness of the room. “Do you have to do that?”  

  “I’m sorry!” He exclaimed, immediately switching the lights to one much more soft, and dropping a pile of clothes onto the floor that already had stray articles lying about it. “I didn't know you’d be sleeping so early. Are you sure you’re alright?”

    I dropped my hands and reluctantly opened my eyes. _Am I okay?_ “Yes, I think so. Why are you here? Isn’t the party still going?”

    He began taking off his shirt—he wore his performance clothes all day, and was eager to be rid of them. His up-do, reddened hair fell, his makeup thinned over the sweat of a lively performance and acceptance of girls childish kisses. Even so, as long and weary his day was, he looked not a bit tired. He smiled at me, taking an arm out from his hooded tank top. “Yes, yes, it is—but everyone wanted to get comfortable. We’re going to the private lounge downstairs soon.”

    “Oh,” I sighed. Looking at the clock, it was only ten past eleven. How could I have spent two hours trying to sleep and wasted my thoughts on hopeless things?

    I looked down for a second, a momentary pain behind my temples, then back up when it passed. Sungmin was wearing his most comfortable, loose teeshirt and was getting into clean jeans. “Just members?”

    Only half of his body was lit, but his smile was truly radiant and outshone through the dim light. He was always happy and fun to be around after a concert. “Yes. Are you feeling good enough to go down? You’ve been missed. Your fans felt the blow when you weren’t there, especially.”

    I stretched my arms before me, not interested in talking but having to nevertheless. “You gave my apologies?”

    He unbuckled his wristbands and tossed them to the coffee table. “Of course! Everyone made sure to give the girls extra attention in your stead. So, are you going?”

    Up until then, he was all smiles and enthusiasm, but when he looked over to me when I wasn’t expecting, his eyes dimmed and walked closer to my bed. “You don’t seem yourself.”

    I coughed some, both out of a lie to feign illness and the sudden awkwardness when he met my startled stare. What do I say? I was taking too long to answer, and my thoughts suddenly glazed over anything relevant. “I… Don’t be concerned with me—I’m fine, I just feel ill.”

    “Are you sure?” He probed, sitting at my feet with his hands setting undecidedly in his lap. “We’re friends aren’t we?”

    “Yes! Yes! Of course we are,” I said clumsily, leaning past my knees to become closer to him. “I didn’t mean to insult our friendship.”

    His eyes were still indented, a crease of worry still on his forehead, and his mouth uncertainly held in a purse, like he was confused. I knew what I sounded like, that I was acting inconsistently sad or disctracted the entire day. But there was nothing I tell him—it could possibly ruin Super Junior’s reputation, and my friendships with my closest friends.

    “You haven’t,” he started after a thought. “But you know you could tell me things? Anyone of us would listen, you are our dongsaeng.”

    How so? I wondered. Donghae himself wouldn’t be able to console me, and for anyone to know if I told them would lose me many friends, and leave me alone. “Thank you… I know. But, I’m fine. I think that I got ill from a fan who was coughing yesterday.” I put my hand on his shoulder, trying to reassure, and maybe find comfort as well. I found none.  “Don’t be concerned,” I repeated, hinting at a smile, just for his sake. “I need some sleep, that’s all. I need to be ready for tomorrows travel.”

    He patted my hand, holding it to his shoulder, and smiled some. He still looked a little disbelieving, but he didn’t say anything about it. “I’ll let you sleep then!”

    _Just a moment more before you’re alone_.

    I smiled some more and nodded. “I’ll be better soon—give my best wishes to the party, and—”

   His pocket interrupted me when a ringer went off, and he opened the phone with an apologetic smile. “Ayo?” He didn’t look at the I.D.

    I started to lean back, waiting for when I could be alone with my thoughts; with things I really shouldn’t be thinking of. I have my career in front of me—a new album, movies, a musical… And I’m caught up in a love I won’t know, and pitifully darkened by the lack of possibility for it that I roll in my bed for hours, sick with the thought of it.

    Sungmin stood, patting my knee, wishing me well. “Yes, I’ll be leaving now,” he said, speaking to someone I didn’t hear the name of. “Ryeowook is a little sick—he needs his sleep.”

    I heard very little of what he was saying when my mind started to stray—remembering Donghae’s warm hug after the concert. I must be insane that this is all I can think of. His loving smile, an open personality that always invites me in, the energy in his every action, every word, the care and youth in his eyes…

    _“Yes, I’ll put you all on speaker._ ”

    …the way he made me feel, so warm and excited, the perfection of his body, his dance, his voice…

    “I love him.”

    _“RYEOWOOK!”_ Sungmin held out the phone through which every voice of SuJu exclaimed my name. His eyes widened, as he was the only one who heard me over the mass of voices that wished me well.

    I swallowed and immediately looked anywhere there weren’t judging eyes. I felt his stare on my skin, though he said nothing.

    _“Wook! Get better—”_ Eunhyuk

    _“Come down! Don’t let a little sore throat keep you from having a good time!”_ Kyuhun.

    _“I miss you, my baby!”_ Donghae.

   I couldn’t keep from looking up, and mistakenly looked toward the speechless Sungmin. Donghae was drowned out over the intelligible garble of overlapping voices, and I was able to look away, though I didn’t, despite wanting, and needing, to.

    Sungmin turned speaker off and held the phone to his ear. “He says thank you. I’ll be leaving momentarily. Bye.”

    He shut the phone, and set it in his pocket.

    The silence spoke volumes— a shame that I couldn’t own up to.

    “Just go.” I said finally, holding my head to a gaze I didn’t want to meet.

    “Who do you—”

    I tossed the sheets from my lap and moved, across the room, to push him some. “Go, go!” He backed up against my hands when they met his chest, startled but not resisting. “What the hell’s wrong—“

    “Please,” I begged,  moving to open the door and pulling his arm. “Don’t ask me that!”

    “I don’t understand—”

   “You don’t need to, just promise me that you won’t say anything.” I held his arm—too hard, probably, because he flinched when I shook him slightly—as he stood just outside the door, into the long hallway of the 5-star hotel. Up close, there was no mistaking the wonder and amazement that he felt. I felt bad that I couldn’t explain anything more. Before he had the chance to promise or deny my request, I stopped him and loosened my grip. “Ah, I… I’m sorry I’m acting like this… I don’t expect you to not tell anyone when I haven’t told you why I’m the way I am… but as my hyung… please… consider what it could mean to me if you do.”

    “Oh… of course… if that’s what you want… But if you’re worried I won’t under—”

    I couldn’t stop it any longer—by the point to where I was crying, I hoped that I would be alone. But that would have been too easy. “You won’t understand, you can’t…”

     I let go of him, feeling awful for treating him so rudely. “Go and play, and say what you choose.”

    He started to walk away, saying nothing, as I shut the door.

    I didn’t feel like sleeping anymore—it would have been in vain if I had the mind to try. But I couldn’t be alone anymore, but I couldn’t go play with the others after what I told them.

    Getting dressed, trying my best to have no thoughts, no emotion, I then left to walk the streets of Seoul in search of distraction.

    In the elevator, a message buzzed my phone in my pocket. I checked it. From Sungmin. Reading what he said, I was scared that, for the first time, Donghae might actually find out about how I felt.

    His message:   _Why was it Donghae’s voice that made you pale?_

 

 

 


	2. A Few Drinks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, you just gotta drink your problems away...

    I handle my alcohol pretty well—much better than some men larger than me—but this time— _this time_ , when I let my self slip up in front of Sungmin, when the possibility being real that this could ruin my life, when I ran when I had no courage to face it—I drank too much. I was going to walk, to run even further from my problems, but I passed, on my way out of the hotel, the restaurant, which had a alcohol server. The brown, mahogany wood of the bar’s counter top, the golden railing, the bartender, all were blurred within the hour, and indistinct figures after that; my head pulsed, growing more intoxicated and pained with every bottle I ordered. But it gave me something to do, something to not think about. 

    _Who cares anyways? I don’t. I’m going to be ruined in the morning… why should I be sober when it happens?_

    “Another…please…” I said, raising a finger for the man behind the counter. My head slumped over my crossed arms—my head suddenly feeling heavy, like a boulder— and I yawned. “Hurry!” I snapped. He took to long to uncap the bottle.

    He laughed—I think. “You’ve had too much,” he said, in the casual-polite style, but still gave me my drink. He bumped my arm with it, and I uncrossed my arms to take it. I threw it back as soon as it was in my hand, and accepted every drop of mind-altering freshness.

    “Take it slow!” He exclaimed, a little amused, and grabbed my wrist, holding it back. I just stared at him, unable to form the words I wanted to say.

    My head started to sway, like a man about to pass out, and a sudden flash of my pains brought me more determination to drink. “Please,” I begged, too weak to take my bottle back. He pulled it away from me.

    “I can’t serve you any more.”

    I dipped my head and let my self cry. It was awful to still be awake and completely aware, despite the 5 drinks, of absolutely everything. One more drink, and at least I could be spared some pain. One more, and I would be passed out, dreaming of nothing, and able to pretend that I wasn’t in such a situation.

    _Just one more damn drink…_

    “Sir,” I heard. Was that the bartender? “Are you alright? Is there someone I can call?”

    “One more drink. I need to sleep… I want to not…feel…”

    Laughter came from somewhere beside me, from the busy half of the restaurant. _Why is that familiar?_

    “Mister,” the bartender nudged me. “You need to lie down. Ren? Can you help me with this man?”

    I felt shuffling around me, and then two sets of hands were pulling me from the bar top, trying their best to be gentle. I opened my eyes, and the only two employees working at the near-empty bar were supporting me. I was forced to my legs, where I could actually stand, with help. One foot forward, I looked up, and could feel some clarity come to my vision. I cried for feeling more close to sober than I wanted. The tears re-blurred my vision, so that the kind man I looked to—Ren?—was nothing but a shape outlined by soft lights.

    “What’s your—”

    “Ryeowook?”

    _Oh, god, no…_

    Walking from around the hotel lobby, to the tables outlining the restaurant, and to the bar that tended to none but me, Donghae, Sungmin, and Eunhyuk looked at me in shock.

    The surprise in Donghae’s eyes, and the sheer shame I felt when I met them, weakened my legs completely. Did Sungmin tell him? Is that why they looked so sad?

    “Oh, Ryeowook—” Sungmin, still shocked, rushed forward to hold me up. “What got into you? How much did you drink?”

    “5 bottles,” one of the strangers said. Each handed me over to Sungmin, and to Donghae, who both supported one side. “Let him sleep.”

    “Thank you,” Donghae, next to my ear, sounding too upset for me to bear. “We’ll take him to his room.”

    _“I’m sorry_ ,” I whispered into his ear, weak to grasp at his hair, apologizing for more than one thing. _“I’m so sorry…”_

    “I’ve never seen him this drunk,” Eunhyuk commented, brushing my hair back. _Not drunk enough…_

    “Should we call the hospital? He’s warm.”

    They urged me forward. I walked, trying to keep pace with their demands. _“I feel fine. Perfect. Like a…flower…_ ”

    “I don’t know,” Sungmin said, laughing a bit, but serious still. “Maybe we should rest him for a bit and see if he cools down.”

    We were in the elevator. The door shut, and Donghae leaned to press the _up_ button.

    I was aware of every movement Donghae made, each finger that clasped around my waist that moved to keep me embraced, each breath, every step… _“Donghae…”_

       “No, shh,” he whispered back. “Don’t talk, just try to keep calm.”

    _Ding!_ The elevator started to move, upward, and jolted my stomach and head. “Oh, god,” I yelped, dizzy in an instant and close to getting sick. “Ah,” I said accidentally, holding _him_ closer to keep from falling, and regretting it instantly when it sounded, even to my own ears, too pleased.

    Sungmin let me go for a minute. “Donghae, can you hold him while I find my key?”

    “Of course,” Donghae said, collecting me in his arms and letting me slump my head onto his shoulder, which I just realized to be only covered in a tank top. My heart started to race—even quicker when he stroked my back,comforting, like a good friend should. I couldn’t help crying this time—and I hated that he could see— _feel—_ it. There was nothing I could do—I couldn’t run, couldn’t stop crying, couldn’t even fall asleep…

    “Ryeowook?” He hesitated. His hands stopped moving, lingering over the small of my back, my shoulder blade. “Why are you crying?”

    _“I love you…”_

    “I love you too.”

    _“Damn it,_ ” Sungmin cursed, sighing in frustration. “I left my card downstairs.”

    The doors opened with a polite, irritating ring of a bell, and we all got off. Donghae walked me to the hall, where it was quiet and we stood still.

    “I need to go downstairs. Take him to your room for now?”

    “We’ll take him,” Eunhyuk said. “I’ll call manager, and see if we need to get an ambulance.”

    “Okay, okay,” Sungmin, impatient, said. Why was he so frustrated and upset? “I’ll be back soon. Donghae, you take him to your room. Have your key?”

    “Yes, we do.”

    Sungmin patted me on the shoulder and got into the elevator before the doors closed. It was just Donghae and Eunhyuk, and it was uncomfortably quiet.

    Why wasn’t I passing out? Why did I have to be aware of every damn movement?

    “Can I have the key?” Donghae asked Eunhyuk, quiet and reserved now that it seemed inappropriate to speak loudly.

    “Here,” Eunhyuk handed the white slip to Donghae, taking out his phone. “What do you think got into him?”

    Donghae shook his head. “I though he felt sick.”

    “Why were you out?” Eunhyuk asked, uneasy to ask such a thing of me. He brushed my hair away from my moist eyes when I didn’t answer—out of no excuse, rather than incapability. I felt my self sober by the second.

    “He’s tired. Call while I take him.”

    “Okay. Be there soon.”

    And now it was only Donghae and me. He walked me, at my own pace, down the hall to his room, just a few doors down from my own.

    _“Donghae…_ ” Why couldn’t I stop talking? What made it possible to speak to he person I loved?

    “Yes? You should stay quiet and not use energy.”

    “ _I’m sorry…_ ”

    “For what?”

    “ _I… I’m awful.”_

    “Why would you say that? No you’re not. Just a little drunk.” He chuckled.

    _“I really am. I’m an idiot.”_

    We were at his door. He shifted his weight to unlocked it, and pulled me through when he had the light on. “You don’t know what you’re saying. Don’t be silly.”

    _“I ruined everything.”_

    “… I don’t like to see you like this,” he sat me down on a bed, lying me gently back onto a pillow. Relief flooded my aching limbs, and my head throbbed less now that my neck didn’t have to support it. “I never see you sad often, but when I do…” He sat next to me and felt my forehead with his hand. “It makes me unhappy…”

    I tried to keep my eyes open. “ _Why would you feel that way just for me? How… how could you?”_

    “See, that right there is what gets to me. Why wouldn’t I? You’re close to me, like family. It hurts to see you depressed. You’re still warm… Why would you go out and get drunk when you’re sick?”

    _“I… I couldn’t take it… I couldn’t sleep…_ ”

    _Just stop talking…_

    He unbuttoned my shirt. My breath came heavier to me than was appropriate. “Why can’t you sleep?” He said, softer now that the silence settled around us.

   His hands moved gently over my chest, unbuttoning as he did so, down to my abdomen.

    _“Nnnn…”_ I let slip. His hands didn’t recoil, maybe thinking that it was a moan born from a painful headache, rather than from pure pleasure. He undid the last one and pushed the folds to either side of me, dragging his finger tips across my bare skin while doing so. _“Ahh… D…ng… hae—”_

    He went to undo my pants, and all my nerves exploded.

    “Dear god!” I exclaimed, rushing to sit up and pull his hand away.

    Almost completely sober. Shit.

    “I was just getting you comfortable!” I replied, pulling back completely, and totally shocked. Hands up in the air, to show his innocence, he stood a foot away from the side of the bed. “It’s not the first time I’ve undressed you.”

    I swallowed, a head-rush making me sway. “You’re right. I’m sorry,” I amended, beginning to take off my shirt. “I’m just not…” His tight pants distracted me, and I lingered between having my shirt on, and half off. I shook my head. “I’m just not feeling well.”

    He caught me looking at his legs—I couldn’t bring my eyes level with his, no matter how much I wanted to see them—and chuckled a bit. He then reached for something in the open drawer next to the bed, and I had suddenly taken up extreme interest in the folds of my jeans, wanting to be anywhere but near his curiosity. He never stopped with the questions, especially when you didn’t want _those_ sort of questions asked. It was incredibly cute, but annoying, or even scary, when it happened to you.

    Surprising me, I caught a linen on my head. “Here,” he said. “Get some sleep. Let’s talk in the morning, alright?”

    I sat stooped and unmoving under the large sleeping shirt, saying nothing.

    He ruffled my hair over the cloth and gently rubbed my shoulder. “Feel better, Wookie.” Then, he walked away. Each footstep was one too far, one too distant, from where I wanted him to be.

    He just held the handle of the door, and I pulled the shirt from my head. “Donghae?”

    He looked to me, hand still on the handle. “Yes?” His eyes were vibrant, though tired, and perked to see me. I felt, aside from the lingering dizziness and a headache that grew each minute I was awake, sober, like a rock. I could feel, sober now that I was, everything I wanted to drown. His eyes were the first things I admired, then wanted, then his dangerously beautiful body, then his hands.

    I wanted everything of his.

    “Yes?” He repeated, eager to leave.

    “H…Has Sungmin talked to you tonight?” Shameful, undignified, not a single right in the world to ask such a thing.

    His eyebrows dipped, muddled with confusion. “Yes? Why?”

    I shook my head. “Nothing, just wondering…”

    “Hmm… Uh, okay. Get some sleep.”

    “Wait! Isn’t this your bed?”

    He opened the door. “It is. But I can take yours, if that’s not a problem?”

    I leaned back onto the unruffled bed that belonged to Donghae. “No,” I looked into the creases of the ceiling. “It’s not.”

    “Good. Night.”

    The door was shut. As soon as it was shut, I could let my self unwind, relax, from how tense he made me. “I love you,” I said into the air. I could only ever say such a thing when no one was near.

    Damn the soberness, damn the headache, but at least I felt tired enough to sleep. And at least I had the lingering sensation of his hands on my skin to lull me into peaceful dreams

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was fifteen when I wrote this, okay? How did my innocent self ever think that you could sober up after a few minutes, I'll never know.


	3. Hiding Places

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They say that there's no more intimate act than sharing a meal with one another...

  
  It was a week since I first thought of Donghae that way—a week since I tried to drink myself into amnesia, trying to forget the love that sprung into my heart for the most impossible person. There were two fan meets, and an interview, and I made sure to be as far from him as I could. Sungmin, too, I avoided—I couldn’t bear to take his questioning eyes for long, and it would be only a matter of time before he confronted me with those questions. Everyone beside Sungmin forgot about it, attributing my drinking to my own private over-celebration of the successful tour.

    We were now back to a break in between gigs, and we had a whole month free. Free to do nothing if we wanted, to laze around the Dorms, walk to the park, shop, dine, and all the things I used to enjoy.

    I hated being obsessed—but I was helpless to stop it. I saw him every day! How could I not think about him if I slept in the same house as he did? I could hear him walk in late from soccer and lead into the room right beside mine and Yesung’s. The room lay out was even changed so that Yesung would bed in the rooms below us, and that Donghae, by end of the week, would move in with me. Somehow, things were working toward that end, just to have me pained over something I had no power over.

    Just two days until I was forced to be in the same room as he, and listen to him breath as he slept. One before we clear out.

    How is that fair?

    “Ryeowook?” A quiet whisper said. I looked to my door. It was Donghae.

    My heart beat quick enough to wear through my chest. “Come in,” I still managed to sound completely normal; something I learned quickly with my debut in Super Junior, the skill to hide such nervousness.

    He walked in, bringing me a small plate, topped on top with three dumplings and some sauce. He smiled—so dam adorably, and bright—and sat beside me on my bed. Beside me as I sat down my book—a book I kept with me, not out of want to read it, but an excuse incase I needed a place to distract my eyes with—he handed it out.

    I straightened my self and tried not loose control of my voice. I hesitated, and it was awkwardly quiet. “Uh… what is that for…?”

    He perked a little, smile widening. “You haven’t been hungry lately, so I thought you might like to eat just with me. Just us.”

    How sweet of him. I smiled. My stomach lurched. _How can I eat when I can’t keep my self calm?_ “Thanks, Hyung.”

    He tilted his head—practicing aegyo? My nerves were on fire just seeing him act so cute—and he sat the plate on my lap.

    “So…” He began, and I knew that he was going to ask something that I wouldn’t be able to answer. He saw that, but was still a little dissuaded. He was more serious, now that he spoke. “Can I ask you something?”

    I looked away, into the wall, or to the contents of the room—anything but his eyes. “Of course.”

    _What could he possibly want to know? Why was he always so curious?_

    “You’ve been up here most days, and when ever we’re out, you never seem to talk to me… You haven’t made dinner in days, either… Are you feeling well? And, no! No, don’t say that you’re sick.” He put his hand to my neck, feeling my heat. I felt warm to my own senses—but he didn’t seem to see that. “You’re not hot, not sleeping, you’ve been up here playing piano. And Sungmin—“”

    I flinched, and pulled back from his hand. “What? What did he say?”

    I could feel my eyes start to give away, but I didn’t dare look away from him. It was too quiet, and he was beyond surprised to see me act so bizarre. “Ah… He was also worried about you… he said I should talk to you… that’s all… What did you think he said?”

    _I’m an idiot._ “No, I… well it doesn’t matter.”

    He pursed his lips some. What was there, between them, that he hid? I saw that same expression I felt myself wear when I held my tongue. “You worry me sometimes,” he decided on. His expression softened some, but he still had something to say. “A little more this week, than before.”

    I never wanted that. I had to look down to keep my guilt from showing. “I don’t want you to,” I whispered, hoping he could believe me and leave it at that.

    But I knew better. “That doesn’t mean I don’t! At least let me eat with you, please. I hate to think that you’re not letting yourself eat, for whatever reason”

    He lifted the plate, and handed me a dumpling. I held it. It wasn’t so much to eat, but my stomach was too uptight with nerves to accept it.

    _Still_ …

    I took a bite of half of it.

    He smiled again. “Thank you,” he said taking one and dunking it into the sauce.

    I swallowed. “It’s good.”

    “It should be. Kyuhyun made it.”

    I laughed. “And here I thought it to be your special work!”

    How awkward. I clenched my hand beside my leg.

    He finished his off, as I did mine. We both looked down to the traditionally decorated china, to the single dumpling sitting on top of it. He nodded to me to take it, and I did so reluctantly. It was softly awkward again—the silence that overtook that time was one that lasted much longer, and with greater persistence. I felt self-conscious, suddenly, when his single occupation was to watch me eat. I lifted, slowly, my hand to my lips, and set it past them to rest near my teeth. My stomach started to twist into a rock, and my breathing was starting to become labored.

    He leaned in when I hesitated for too long. Closer, closer, his lips took the other half of the dumpling, and he bit it off, just barely avoiding my touch.

    His eyes never left mine, and he swallowed.

    Why did he still smile? The silence followed, constant for at least a minute.

    Nervously, I swallowed and looked to my book.

    “Well,” he said, deciding to be the first to break the still air. “Since we’re no longer touring, and have no obligations, I think we should have some fun.”

    Still looking away, “How so?” was all I could ask of him.

    “Tomorrow, let us go out and shop. I know for sure that Yesung and Siwon are coming, and probably Shindong.  I want you to come too. Don’t waste this time held up in your room, okay? What ever is bothering won’t go away just because you’re alone. It’s the best thing you can do.”

    I had to tuck my hands into my lap to keep him from seeing them shake. I couldn’t manage to say anything. I wished I could say something, anything that might relieve me of the pain, but it wasn’t a possibility.  It would ruin everyone’s career.

    I couldn’t be the cause of that.

    “Hey, hey, hey,” he said, rushed, legitimately concerned, and knowing he should be concerned. Before I had the chance to say anything to him, he sat aside the plate and neared himself to me, moving arm and arm around my shoulders to bring me into a hug. He let me rest my head against his shoulder.

    I didn’t hug him back.

    “Please, say something. I’m scared for you.”

    _Don’t you dare cry…_

    He closed around me, making us so close that it almost made my pain ease. “I… I—“”

    “I’m just a bit anxious,” I finally said. _Say as little as possible…_

    I felt his tension let up somewhat. “About what?”

    “I’m hoping that we don’t break up… it’s been 8 years… at this point, most groups go their own ways…”  It wasn’t a complete lie—I worried often about that, just not at that particular moment did that plague my mind.

    I felt understanding in him, and it was confirmed when he spoke. “That won’t happen soon. I like it here, and I wouldn’t want to give it up… everyone, I believe, likes it. Don’t worry about that, okay? Even if we did go our own ways, we’d still keep up with each other. I’d never cut my ties with you, or anyone.”

    I closed my eyes. I could, at least, pretend that things would be okay. So long as he was with me, and I safe in his arm, I could believe such things.

    “Thank you,” I whispered. I was strong enough to not cry, and I was proud of that.

    He leaned his head onto my ear. “Don’t mention it—and if you want, we can stay like this for a while. We don’t need to talk…”

    _Please, let me stay like this…_

    He took my silence for a yes.


	4. Have you heard the news?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who is it that has taken his love's love?

  “Ryeowook!” Sungmin said, running after me. Damn him and his persistence. It was only after I agreed to, got out of the van, and was well into the strip mall, before I realized that Sungmin set this daytrip up. Only by miracle did I avoid him, up until now—he was trying this whole time, and I could say, confidently, that he knew something. Turning around to his hand on my shoulder, I reluctantly looked to him. Still blond, eyes hid behind sunglasses, wearing plain clothes, he gave me a strange, sarcastic smile.

 

   People walked around us, in and out of the door we partially blocked. “So, you’re running?”

    “Minne,” I whined, taking every opportunity to look away. I, in fact, was running—but only from Sungmin, and only slightly out of the way from the rest of the group. We were under the walkway for the second story of the outdoor mall, under revolving ceiling fans and in the presence of misters that were spraying in compensation for the warm breeze. “It’s too warm, lets go in—”

    He pressed his lips and tilted his head. “Are you or aren’t you going to speak to me?” He took a drink from my drink—rudely, he took it, and finished it.

    “About what?” _Innocence, you’ve said nothing to deserve suspicion._

    “Please. I’ve tried my hand at patience, but all I have for that is more questions when you start avoiding everyone. Do you even know the news?”

    I take a step to the side, edging away. “What news?”

    “Donghae made an announcement—he and Eunhyuk both. Didn’t he say? He went up to check on you just after he said it.”

    I felt my self pale, and my skin went cold—even cold for the heat-wave overcoming Seoul—and I couldn’t make my self ask, which he, kindly enough, didn’t need in order to tell me.

    “They both said, this morning, that they were a couple. Only to us, in confidence,” he said quieter, leaning in. By now, I didn’t even see what he was doing. And not for long, because I turned away and started to run—toward the group.

    Were there tears on my cheeks? I think so. For the moment, it didn’t matter. All I could do was disprove what Sungmin told me—it had to be a prank, a punishment for avoiding him all week.

    But how would he know that I loved Donghae, even then? I knew it was pointless to hope, but even still, I hoped, praying that, as I saw them, Donghae and Eunhyuk, together, that they we’re only the closest of friends, and not what I wanted to be, to Hae. They were in a store together, talking, like normal, and talking to girls who recognized them. They smiled past the girls to each other, and I watched past racks of clothes and an open window, while they ushered droves of fans away, and walked beside each other.

    I stared long enough for my skin to dry of my tears, and finally came to my senses to see both Kyuhyun and Sungmin standing on either side of me. The others—Siwon, Yesung, and Kibum, were all eating and walking toward the eatery, completely, and thankfully, oblivious to me—as was the rest of the world. No one seemed to recognize us, something that never happened. At least I was allowed my privacy while I mourned the loss of something I never knew.

    “Do you want to say something to us?” Sungmin asked. Kyuhyun remained silent, but laid his hand on my shoulder. He felt me tremble, but was kind enough not to remark on it.

    “I… I…” _Is there any point in lying? I just made the worst display of my self. Of course they know._

    Sungmin sighed, watching as Donghae and Eunhyuk walked deeper into the store. “If you… don’t want to say, it’s fine. We both understand— _completely._ We both know.”

    Kyuhyun nodded in friendly agreement. “Wookie,” he whispered, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I looked down to my feet, now, not wanting to see anymore. How could I not know this happened? How could I have deluded myself?

 

    How could I ignore the obvious?

    I walked, pulling away from my friends, who both followed, to a bench, away from the store front, and sat in the secluded area. Less people occupied the back alley to the stores—only a few employees walked past, and those people paid us no mind.

    I was free to talk, cry, and do every shameful thing I wanted to. The tears came first. “How could I have thought I had a chance? I was thinking this whole time that if he were gay, he’d love _me_ , fall for me like I… I did for him… how could I have thought that? How the hell was that okay for me to—”

    Kyuhyun cut in, and gave me a hug. “It’s not wrong to hope,” he started, tightening his hands into a hold, just below my shoulder.

    “I’m sorry,” Sungmin said, leaning down to meet my downturned gaze, pushing away my hair. “This isn’t easy…” he confirmed. “It’s not going to be. But maybe you should tell him, all the same.”

    Kyuhyun nodded, bumping me a bit. “So at least you feel better.”

    _Do I deserve to feel good?_ “No, no, I can’t… I wouldn’t know where to start…”

    “Wait till it’s just you two, and say it, simply. That’s all,” Sungmin added, “you need to do to give him your heart.”

    “Why should I give him my heart? I-I know I couldn’t get his, back, if it’s already Eunhyuk’s! Why should I ruin our friendship even more—”

    They both stood up, and brought me to my feet with them. I had to face them with shame, and hid it behind my hands as I tried to run away—again.

    They both caught me and directed me toward the busy center. “We wouldn’t offer something if it might ruin your life, or friendships,” Sungmin said, agitated, hands on my shoulder blades, waiting to push. He was oddly unemotional—like maybe he tried to hide his feelings, just while I was near, until he could express them without others to see. What was he keeping from me? “But,” he went on, speaking from behind me, where I couldn’t confirm the tone he took—amusement? “ I can’t stand to see you in pain. This whole week, you’ve been crying in your room, and it makes us sick.”

    Kyuhyun spoke directly, in whisper, in my ear, and I felt some pride knowing that he was such a friend, with such determination to make me happy, regardless of how hopeless that was. “Donghae worries for you—you’ve made him sick with it. You owe him an explanation, and yourself some peace. Now go!” They both pushed, and follow up while continuing to push me toward the store I previously saw Donghae and Eunhyuk shopping in.

    I fought—but I didn’t really have the will to keep it up long enough. I tried to shake my self from their hands, run back into hiding, but it made too much of a scene, and so I let them escort me.

    The crowd dulled in color, and I ignored every glance toward me or my group. My heart started to pulse when I came close to the store—and even faster, and more painfully, when I saw him. Tank-tops were all I ever saw him in lately, and it was no different today. He sweated some, and fanned himself with a flyer. The one mercy, seeing him act so innocently tempting, was that Eunhyuk was not at his side.

    My breath trembled, rattling my failing heart behind my ribs. “It’s not worth it…”

    My escorts let go of me, and walked to my sides so I could see them. They backed away as they talked, and I couldn’t keep from staring at Donghae as they did so. “Give it a chance,” Sungmin offered. Why did he smile—only slightly, before catching himself—while I stood, alone? Kyuhyun, also, retreated faster into the crowds of shoppers.

    “For us—we’ll be over by the fountain, watching to make sure you do it.”

    By now, Donghae caught my eyes. I looked to my friends, who were actually smiling now, but hidden behind many people passing between us. They ran off to the fountain, like they promised.

    I tried to take my control back—with half-success— and looked back to Donghae.

    Smiling, he pointed to me, motioning for me to come to the clothes rack he stood beside.

    _Like nothing happened. Like you don’t want to run. Like he isn’t the only thing you want. Like you’re normal._

    I feigned a smile, standing beside him, but wanting to be closer. “Did you want me?”

    He nodded, holding a shirt from a hanger. “I did—I wasn’t calling for someone else, maybe behind you, now, was I ?” He laughed, handing me the grey tank top. _Of course, a tank._ “I want to see you in this—it seems perfect. For you.”

    I took it, and, even with my best efforts not to, I accidentally touched his hand, his bare skin.

   _Dear god…_  “You think?” I asked, pretending, like I was used to, not to notice the warmth he left on my skin. I turned the piece from side to side, jangling the chains that dropped from the shoulders in a loop around the neck cut-out, and reading the black, water-print letters that ran down the sides, saying: _Live, Love, and Dance_.

    “I think so.”

    “Well,” I started, walking past him, but he stopped me with a hand.

    “What the hell are they doing staring at us?” He turned me around, to see both Sungmin and Kyuhyun standing on top of the fountain’s rim, overlooking the passers-by to us and waving.

    “I think they wanted me to talk to you…” Barely loud enough to hear, shaky, I said it only out of duty to my friends. How did he hear me?

    He looked back to me, down to me, and tilted his head—but his eyes showed that he knew something. What? “Why do they want us to talk?”

    “I… I don’t know…” My cheeks started to burn.

    “I do. Will you come with me for a minute?”

    My feet shuffled, toward the direction he would walk me, and I nodded, having not courage to _really_ meet his eyes. We only were a few feet out of the way, beside the open glass window and a full rack.

    “So,” he started. Nervous? Why? “I, and Eunhyuk,  made an announcement last night, and we wanted you to be there, but we were waiting for you to come out this whole week so I just decided to tell you my self. He and I are together. We’ve been together for only a month now… but we made it official last week.

    It was worse to hear it from him. My eyes felt able for another round of tears, but I was strong enough to keep them in. I breathed a sigh, and nodded with a smile. “Thank you for taking the time to tell me personally. I support you both—I love you both.”

    My smile wasn’t wearing, so why was he staring at me? What was he waiting for?

     He didn’t smile.

    _Now, or never…_ “I… I, uh—”

    “Hae! Hae!”

    We were still staring, but he broke off when Min ran up to us and nearly knocked us over.

     “What? What is it?” Hae asked, agitated. I backed up some, hating to hear that in him. What was that that just happened?

    Min pulled at my arm, back into both of their attentions. “We just got a call from SM,” Min started, near to exploding with excitement. He spared a quick look of apology to me, and I couldn’t be mad at him. I was more relieved, than anything.

    “SM just contracted us for a movie! Wook, it’s a musical. A fucking musical! And we all have reign on some of the music!”

    What ever there was in Donghae’s eyes, what ever I saw that was disappointed or angry or unhappy, was gone in a flash. His smile blinded. “Are you serious? When? Where? All of us?”

    “Everyone!”

    “What about SJM?” I asked. “We’re on tour next month?”

    “We will film over three months, starting next month. I don’t know about everything, but we’re suspended till then. You know what that means, boys? Vacation!”

    “Woo Hoo!” Hae yelled, cupping his mouth and shouting to the sky. People were looking and starting to realize who we are. He interrupted Min and hugged him.

    “Let me down!” Min laughed when he raised him. He let him down, to my intense relief.

    It was too hard, and I started to walk away—how many times have hands grabbed my arm in so few hours? I turned around when they urged me to. I wasn’t upset when it was Donghae who grabbed me. He pulled me in to the same type of hug he gave Sungmin. Lifting me up—I really couldn’t complain— Sungmin smiled at me and winked as he walked away.

    I leaned over his shoulder and he spun us. “You hear that?”

    _Your arms… my waist…_

    He let me down, slowly, then wrapped his arms around my neck. “I can’t wait to work with you,” he whispered. He must have felt my breathing, my heart through every exposed inch of skin he touched. “Thank you for the support,” he said in an even softer voice, loosening his arms from my neck ever so slightly. “It means a lot, my Wook.”

    “I—”

    “Wookie,” Eunhyuk said, suddenly at my side, standing between us when Hae suddenly let go. He gave me a brief hug. “Give me a minute with my boyfriend,” he went on. “We’re all going to that restaurant upstairs in just a few.”

    I frowned at his choice of words. But I recovered quickly. “Of course! This is great news! Hurry so we can celebrate together!”

    I turned my back to them and steadily, calmly walked to the escalators, aiming for Sungmin and my friends that surrounded him, the bringer of good news.

    “We’ll be having fun!” Donghae called to me. I looked back, and he was smiling. But something was different in it. Something less real, less genuine in the way he looked at me, and I could see in Eunhyuk that he noticed it too. Hyuk looked at Hae from the side, sadly, as Hae called out.

    What was so chilling about it? What about it made me so unnerved?

    I walked away, not once that day able to distinguish what I saw.


	5. Going back to the old plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The old plan doesn't work out very well.

  “I can’t stand this,” I confided to Kyuhyun. It wasn’t an easy thing to say—I still felt my self blush at such a shameful admittance—but he always treated me well. He was one of my closest friends, and I was relieved when he wasn’t mad at me. I wasn’t going to ruin his life or career, he said, then gave me a little hug. We were now walking around the block, and it had just turned 2 AM when I finally decided to speak. It was the only time I could find to be alone, and my close friend decided to accompany me, not wanting me to do anything dangerous.   

  There were few cars in long hours, so we walked in the middle of the suburban streets. “I don’t want to feel this. I don’t want to love him. But I do. And I can’t help it. And it’s hopeless.”

    “Why haven’t you told him?”

    I stopped walking. He looked back to me after walking two paces ahead. I tilted my head to him, and sighed. “Why do you think?”

    He smiled. “Now that you know he likes guys—”

    “No, no, no. That isn’t fair at all. He’s with Hyuk, and even if he wasn’t, there’s no guarantee he can like me back, or wouldn’t hate me for…”

    “Woo… it’s not wishful thinking, it’s not… wrong. It’s human to love someone.”

    I looked away from him, then started to walk again, past him. He followed behind and we both listened to the echo of our feet. We walked for a while longer, in silence, in no particular direction and without particular desire to be anywhere. He just wanted to be with me, and I just wanted to be alone. Of course I couldn’t say this, and of course I didn’t mean to think it, or even mean it at all. It was good to have such a good friend, but that, too, had its negatives. I wasn’t going to do anything to my self, like he seemed to be worried about—yet, still, with that said, I was responsible for his concern.

    Too many things to worry about, too little of me to balance it on.

    I stopped abruptly, causing Kyuhyun, who followed closely, to bump into me. I laughed some, and reached into my back pocket to grab my phone. Kyu stood to my side and leaned his head on my shoulder while we looked to my screen. I went to my photos folder and opened up one of me and Donghae. He had his tongue out, and I smiled beside him as I took the photo.  I remembered taking the picture two years ago, and even then he made me nervous, when I didn’t quite know that I loved him.

    “Cute,” Kyu said. “You two are always happy together.”

    I dropped my eyes and inhaled, shuddering some. My heart sped, about to split or break or explode in some way, and it made me weak at my joints. Kyu let me rest against him, and tried to be comforting.

    “You love him. It’s as simple as telling him that you love him. When has love ever demanded anything less than something radical and over the top for it to work? It’s just three words,” he said softer, turning me to face him and pressing his hands into my shoulders. “He wont hate you.”

    “Spare me the pep talk.”

    “Then talk to him, and you wont have to listen to a pep talk,” he started to laugh, but half heartedly when I started to cry.

[~]

     
    I looked across the kitchen to Donghae and Hyuk, and Shindong, then looked back to my frying pan. It was early, and I was tired, and Hae and Hyuk were acting very sweet with each other. No touching, but very sweet language and laughs. But I chose not to let any of it bother me. I put a smile on my lips, danced and moved about lightly, and cooked for the people I lived with. I cut up fruit, fried omelets, flipped pancakes, and cooked breakfast meats. It was all ready, and I prepared it on plates for the few people in the house.

    Sungmin came down, and concluded the whole of the current awake household. He was an early riser, along with Kyuhyun and Donghae. He stopped dead in the door way, shocked for a second.

    “Wow,” he said, stunned briefly at the door, but went to sit with my smiling, chatting family. “Ryeowook? Up so early? Making a _feast_? What do we owe this?”

    I laughed, and tossed the omelets onto the finished plates. “I felt like cooking. Here,” I grabbed his and Shindong’s plates, then placed it on the communal wooden kitchen table that seated up to six people. “Enjoy, please.” I bowed.

    “Jeez,” Eunhyuk said, a nervous laugh half escaping him. “Too formal, Ryeo.”

    I ignored the eyes on my neck. I felt all of theirs on me, especially those of Hae, but I shrugged it off. I had resolved in the night to simply go on and not think about it. It was too painful. It made no sense to linger on wishes and fantasy. 

    I handed Hyuk and Hae their food. Hae stared at me strangely.

    _Ignore. Don’t let that pain back in._ “I hope you like it. I’m sorry for not doing this the past week. I don’t know what got into me, but whatever it was, it is gone now.” Smile, eye contact, cross your hands politely. I went back for my plate and sat across from Hyuk. I handed everyone their food, and made sure that everyone had drinks. Shindong, who thanked me profusely, was the first to start eating.

    “Thank you!”

    “You eat too much,” Donghae said, but only jokingly and friendly. “But I can’t blame you, right now. Wook. You outdid your self on this. Thank you,” he bowed his head, picking up a knife.  “I just hope you have enough,” he said softer, hinting. No one else heard what I heard from what he said.

    “No, I have enough, thank you for your concern.” I took a bite of a strawberry, just about to make my own plate.

    Hae stared at me, eyes dropping. I felt my stomach fall, and looked away. “Hae, will you be moving into my room today?”

    He hesitated. Why? Hyuk elbowed him in the ribs, and he shook himself out of it. “Uh, I… I will be, but only temporarily. I will be moving in with Hyukie here, I just need to ask manager when I can…”

    _Damn._ “It’ll be nice to have you in for a while. Yesung constantly annoyed me with his turtle.”

    “Woah there,” Eunhyuk laughed, a mouthful of food muffling his voice. “Don’t let him hear that,” he looked over his shoulder, in the general direction of the dorms.

    I laughed – everything felt as forced as it was, even a simple laugh – and started to compile my food. “I would apologize if he heard. But,” I turned to them, my plate topped with only half of what I had made. I had an appetite, but it was very close to vanishing and I didn’t want to risk eating too much when it might make me feel ill. “But,” I countered, sitting opposite of the couple,  back beside Sungmin and Shindong.“He didn’t hear me. So no foul.”

    Donghae snorted at that. Sungmin spared a giggle, and Shindong was too busy complementing my food to care about me making fun of a turtle. The meal was quiet because it was, truthfully, too early to be awake. Teuk wasn’t awake, let alone the rest of the house.

    It was a rare quiet that I wasn’t used to. It was almost relaxing.

    Almost.

    “This is wonderful, Wook,” Donghae said, almost done. Shindong nodded, helping break the silence with a loud _Hell yes it is_.

    “Thank you, hyung,” I said, eyes away from him. Thinking of things to talk about, I distracted myself by cutting my food in a strategic way to make each bite just as tasty as the previous.

    “This is, ah, something I could get used to,” Donghae continued. A joke. Somehow, without knowing, I knew the others were thinking something that I wasn’t privy to. A look passed by them all and I pretended not to see it.

    “Don’t bet on it,” I smiled, taking a drink of water.

    Sungmin elbowed me, and I knew it was because I sounded too rude for the morning.

    “Aww man,” Eunhyuk sighed. His plate was finished. “Well it was good while it lasted. Thanks Wookie.” And he took his plate to the sink, washing it.

    An alarm went off upstairs and I knew it was time for the others to start getting up. I had made enough for one serving each, but I knew I would be doing double time for everyone. I stood up with my half-finished plate.

    “Aren’t you going to finish?” Sungmin said, concerned. Donghae shot me a look that I pretended not to see.

   “Ah, no. Too much snacking on food while I made it. Do you want it?”

   “…no? I have dance practice, so I unfortunately can’t over eat.”

   “Then in that case--!” and Donghae reached over the table with his chopsticks, sticking a solid chunk of omelet and popping it into his mouth. I laughed and sat it down with him.

    “Sorry its not much,” I apologized.  

    “It doesn’t have to be!” He said, basically inhaling the extras. His appetite was always a joy to cook for, and I watched too intently. Far more than I should have, I enjoyed making him happy, and a calm settled over me seeing him so pleased. I swallowed, trying to choke the feelings down, then realized that there were people around me. He caught my eye just as I started to regain myself.

    Eunhyuk started rapping behind us, finishing up the dishes, and all was back to normal. Donghae glanced at him then laughed. “Stop dancing in the kitchen.”

    Hyuk was clumsily dancing, tired but still energetic in a way I didn’t understand but laughed at nonetheless. “No way baby, can’t – stop – the – funk !”

   “I swear to god –“ and Donghae threw a hand towel over my head, right at Hyuks face.

    “You stopped the funk! How dare you?”

    I snorted, walking around them. Things were moving now, the foot steps upstairs, the other sets of nerve-grating alarms, casual talking carrying through the vents. Sungmin was quiet and Shindong was texting and Eunhyuk was laughing louder than Donghae.

    “Okay okay fine,” Eunhyuk gave in. “I need to take a shower before _someone_ gets to it first.”

    I looked over my shoulder. He meant me, obviously, because I always take years to bathe. “Oh off you go,” I chided. “Maybe there will be leftovers when you’re down.”

   Hyuk patted Hae’s shoulder briefly. “Going up. Save me something sweet.”

    “You got it.”

    And Donghae’s smile – the sweet kind, the soft kind – made me sick to my stomach again. Beautiful as it was, I was suddenly reminded of what they were. A couple.

   My stomach sank with a swimming feeling, like somehow the dish water that I was submerging my hands in was filling my stomach. Turbulant and horrible, I couldn’t focus on anything but washing my dishes. I kept washing them, too, even when I felt Sungmin’s hand on my shoulder.

    “Ryeo, you good?” And I knew that his tone was the careful concern of someone who knew what I wanted, and didn't dare try to get.

   “Yeah, yeah,” I said, shaking myself free from whatever sensation it was that was slowly fading. “I’m good. Dishes?”

    Sungmin reluctantly handed me his dishes. “Off to practice,” he said, then was joined in a chorus of “Bye! Good bye! Be back soon!” with Shindong, whose voice was booming and startling so early in the morning. And like that, they were off.

    Donghae was behind me, at the table, but I didn’t realize it until I felt hands on my shoulders. I jumped, recognizing something familiar. Donghae always gave me back rubs, even when I never asked for them. In the studio, I would be tense after a day of performing, and he would know that I needed the tension massaged out of me.

    He always knew when I needed them. I knew that I must have seemed tense, as soon as his hands started to work. It felt way too good for me to not feel guilt, but I didn’t have it in me to ask him to stop.

    I put my dish away, then let out the water, and then stayed put.  Donghae rubbed circles into my skin, below my neck, taking away the knots slowly. I leaned onto my hands, a tire overcoming me. I got little sleep in the night, and woke up early.

    “This is nice,” I said softly.

    “I think so too.”

    “How can you tell?” I was asking about how he knew I needed a massage.

    A touch of his laugh caught on my neck. “You’re working too hard, is all. No food, up early, pacing around your room.”

    Heechul could be heard mock-singing up stairs. The water from the bath was running. Foot steps were eagerly searching for places to be. I knew for a fact Donghae had rehearsals for an upcoming TV show happening during the afternoon.

    Things were going to be hectic, I thought, sighing contentedly. “It’s a stressful time,” I admitted. Donghae wrapped his arms around my waist, unexpectedly. My heart leapt out of me as I collapsed my hands on his .

    “Yes it is,” he agreed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are. This is a representation of my current writing. I am so mad that I'm roped into this whole "first person" narrative, it really could be so much better... opinions?


	6. So close, so far away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghae moves in, and it's awkward. Why is everyone laughing?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so close to being done with this! Please show it love and comment!

 I have never been able to handle my romantic life well. Growing up, I always did something stupid or didn't do anything at all. And here I am, I thought, cleaning my room to (temporarily) move in with the man I'm in love with. It was cruel, preparing to spend so much time in the same room as him. I didn't even know if I wanted to be with him, didn't even know if dating him would work – but I couldn't even tell him what I feel, so what good would it do me?

All I could do is wait for him to move on, whenever that would be. I knew it would hurt, but it will hurt less than seeing his smile in the morning and never get to tell him how happy it makes me, to never let him know what he is to me.

It was eight in the morning when I started to clean my room. Evacuating Yesung's things and moving them around for Donghae was a long task and when he walked through the door at noon, he was surprised to see it nearly done.

“Oh!” He said after a pause, looking to me and then to the side. The bed was bare, the closet emptied (mostly), and the old pictures were taken down. Yesung's things were no where to be seen, like the dorm was new.

My heart stopped when he appeared, but picked up after a second. “I've cleaned a lot of it out,” I said, standing up from my floor and dusting off my knees. I pointed to the sheets I was planning on doing, but I got tired and was ready to be done. It was not an easy thing to prepare for, I realized when it hit me that Eunhyuk was going to be in my position soon. I tried to keep the frown off my face.

It set in my stomach like bitter bile. I felt ill at the thought, but nevertheless held onto a terse but friendly expression.

“You're working too hard,” he sighs, smiling oddly. It brings me out of my thoughts. “But this looks great! Thank you, roomie!”

“Ah, no, it was hardly work, and I don't mind.”

He stepped over the sheets and sat down. I didn't see that he had drinks until he raised them in triumph. “Here, for all your hard work!”

They were lattes, warm and fresh and smelling like hazelnut. I took it from him and cradled it to my sweater covered chest. “You didn't have to do this,” I smiled down at him, watching as he unsheathed his straw and stirred the foam. I snorted at the smiling face he was building.

“Ahh,” he sighed, like an epiphany hit him. “Here,” he handed me his cup, with the smiling foam. He took mine and did the same. “Matching faces,” he said in his serious tone.

“Aish,” I took a seat. It almost felt natural, even if I was taking too much distance between us to be considered normal. It used to be so much closer. “You make me laugh. I'm going to drink this face and then he'll be sad.”

“Oh, then try a drink.”

I looked at him, ignoring his cute bedhead and his tired, brown eyes. They were processing things, wanting me to do something.

I took a drink after a seconds thought and watched the face morph.

He took his straw and fixed it again, twisting the face into a less graceful version of the happiness it once had. Latte cream and light coffee stuck to his straw and he licked it off. “There you go, it's happy again. I'll always fix that for you, to keep him smiling.”

He was making me weak, smiling so sweetly. I returned one, too shy for my liking. “Thank you, I think he needs it.”

He took a drink of his, and looked at me for too long, like I was something he never saw before. When I was about to say something, he stood, setting his drink on the wood desk next to the window. “Any time, Wookie. Stay here, okay? I'll move my stuff in since you did all of this. Ahh, ah, no, no standing,” he held his hand out, dropping it on my shoulder. “I got this for you do appreciate, so appreciate it and let me get off my lazy ass and help.

I giggled, ignoring his warm hand on my shoulder. “I guess. I hate to watch you do it all.”

He rolled his eyes, and was off.

I spent the next hour on his bed, watching him bring things in in an unorderly way that nearly made me cringe, except for the fact that he was so active and filled with the charisma I've always seen in him. I talked and watched and tried not to want what I wasn't going to even try to have. He caught me staring and would wink and I'd end up invested in my phone looking for music to karaoke with.

Eunhyuk came in the last moment, in the middle of Hae's This is Love dance solo, and I watched them complete it together. They worked in such a strong unit, the performance, as sloppy as it was, was perfect.

“I have to steal Hae for a bit!” Hyuk said at the end of the song, grinning and eying his partner. I nodded, and they, too were off. 3 PM, no schedule, and a half finished room – it's surprising how easy it is for one's mood to plummet.

Mine was at an all time low.

Two hours later, Sungmin and Kyuhyun found me on the football field we usually go to. It was too swampy to actually play, so I was pacing circles with the deflated ball when their figures peaked over the hill. I didn't want to see them, but I couldn't say that when they approached.

“God, you're so dense,” Sungmin said, as if it were a simple fact that he was stating.

“That's a nice way to greet me,” I sighed. I wasn't in the mood for their attitude, and kept on kicking my football. 

Sungmin shrugged.

“What? Why are you shrugging?”

He raised his eyebrows and puffed out his cheeks. “Whatever, never mind.”

I was about to ask what he meant, why he was trying to upset me, when Kyu smacked my arm.

“You didn't check your phone, did you?” Kyu said. I felt like I was being scolded for something. What? I had no clue.

I idly rubbed the place he hit, even though it didn't hurt. “I don't have it, it's still in my room.”

“Hae was looking for you,” Sungmin tossed in, taking the ball from my feet and kicking it toward the road. “He finished the room, it looks good. He's pretty proud.”

How could I have been so careless? The sun was fading against the sky and I didn't think to go help, even if all I was doing was entertaining? “Oh, God, I forgot!”

I turned my feet toward the house, urgently walking to it. What was I going to do when I was there? I didn't know, but I had to at least apologize.

Kyu and Min were at my sides, following regardless of wherever I was going. “Are you okay?” Kyuhyun hesitated, keeping pace with me.

I ignored him. “Did he need help? Was that why you called?”

“No, we just didn't know where you were,” Sungmin said, and he was as blasé about it as he would be about the weather. “You could have mentioned it, at least, you know. God you're just. So dense.”

I just let out a frustrated breath, not even wanting to scold Sungmin for being rude. I messed up again. I can't keep acting like this, being forgetful and removed and letting things go unnoticed. I sighed loudly, like a great weight was on my chest and never moved. I can't live with him if this is how it's going to be.

Sungmin pat my back out of sympathy (or pity? I couldn't tell) and Kyu imitated his gesture. They both kept their silence, letting me think. They, obviously, know about my feelings. They keep telling me to tell him, but lately they've not been giving me any advice.

I wanted to ask for some, even if I'd get the same answer. I needed a push to do anything, if I _was_ going to do anything. I just couldn't ask, even if I knew how to.

Kyu huffed out a loud breath and laughed, snorting, trying not to be as rude as he was being.

Maybe Sungmin was also laughing? Where was the joke? I looked back to them and they were (poorly) stifling their laughter behind mitton-covered hands.

“What's wrong with you?” I asked as they shut up. We were nearing our street and it's empty out, just cars passing by. I was walking as fast as I could.

“You know what? No, I'm not gonna say shit -- "

“Kyu!” Min says sweetly

“What? We know this is going to e—”

“ _Shut up_ ,” Sungmin wailed, crossing past me to cover Kyu's mouth, but they were both laughing too much to make a difference.

“What the hell is wrong with you two?” It was more of a soft-yell as it came out of my mouth, but my face was heating up in anger and confusion. I didn't think laughing could be appropriate at the moment, and what are they even laughing about? “Have you two gone insane?”

They busted out laughing and I was too pissed off to deal with it so I was off, walking faster than either of them and heading straight to the gate of the dorm. They were loud behind me and I was praying that a mob of fans would hear them. They'd deserve to be held up for hours.

I slipped off my shoes at the door and heard people in the kitchen, but I couldn't deal with them at the moment. I head up stairs, turning the corners and getting into my room just in time to remember who would be there.

Donghae had his guitar in hand, cradled on his legs like a classical guitarist. His white shirt was loose and showed off his collar and chest a little too much to his flattery. His lesson book was spread across a pillow and he peered through wire frames to its words.

He looked up in time for me to realize what hell was. “Ah! Wook! I've been looking for you!” He stands up, beaming around the room, obviously proud. “It looks great, yeah?”

As upset as I was, I had to soften to how much work he did. He strung up a small set of lights over the dresser, and they were lit up in a soft blue glow. His side of the room was clean, and he made my bed.

“It… it's very nice, Hae-ya.”

He chortled at that. “Ah, Wook.” He stood beside me. “It's much cleaner, much more suited to live in now. I love how well it goes together.”

I didn't know why, but he was waiting for… something. A glimpse at him showed me the expectation in his eyes. I was looking at his feet, and his hand softly drew up my back, resting on the small of my back. He was so delicate, so soft, I was melting.

“What do you mean?”

He quickly turned off the light, startling me. The room was glowing blue, highlighted like a sapphire sea. “It looks good this way, doesn't it?”

I nodded, hurried, warm under his fingertips. “It does.”

“I –”

Eunhyuk knocked as he entered the room. We turned around to see him laughing.

He was covering his face, sniggering like a school kid, like he caught his laughter from Kyu and Min. “Oh! You found him! Good!”

I wanted to laugh when I see that Donghae was just as annoyed as I am. There are some perks after all, I thought. “Yeah, I did, _honey_.”

He was annoyed, but his voice was bright. “Have you talked yet, _sweetie_?”

“Not just yet, _sugar_.”

And I wanted to vomit at their exchange, squeezing my hands at my sides.

“Ahh, have fun, I'm going close the door behind me, okay? Just tell him that y – ”

“Hyuk!” Donghae scolded, opening his eyes wide and gesturing like Hyuk was out of his mind. “Can you not?”

“Oh come on, it's not like it was working, was it?” Hyuk waggled his eyebrows, and Donghae snorted loudly. All I could do was stare, looking from one to the other.

I was very confused and even more pissed off. _W_ _ill_ _no one leave me alone?_

Could they not be so sweet in front of me?

I needed to get away, out, anywhere but between their stares. I took my sleeping clothes from my over-stuffed dresser and squeezed past them.

“Wook!” Donghae called, but it was too late: I was already closing the bathroom door behind me. I heard a faint knock, but the rushing water from the bathtub overrode it and I couldn't care less about what he had to say.

When I got out, an hour later at my leisure, he was back to his bed, laptop and headset in place. He looked at me when I came in.

The lights were low, and the blue was unplugged. His smile registered, but only just that.

I went to my bed in hopes of falling asleep quickly. Schedules were on their way, and we had two days left til the first Monday of a busy few months. I had to get my head back on and sleep was the only thing that could do that.

“Goodnight,” Hae said, quiet and unsure.

I never felt such a huge chasm between us than I did then.

“Night,” I whispered into my pillow, hoping for sleep.

I had no such luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a few chapters left to go...


	7. Busy, but not busy enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The movie starts, it's busy and Ryeowook doesn't have time for Donghae.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a change of heart and decided to write more for this story instead of publishing only 7 chapters...  
> -_-; oh well, more to read! Please show this love and support. Drop a comment in for encouragement! It helps me greatly!

 

Two days is a long time, but it always passes. I was thrown into schedules without even a chance to think about how ruined my life is, and how unnecessarily I'm messing up everyone's lives.

For one, Donghae was keeping his distance from me like I caught the plague. Even with sharing the same room, he spent more time with Eunhyuk than anything. I usually pretended to be asleep when he got back from whatever it is they do (it's not something I like to think about). And then there's the rest of the members: they were talking to each other, I could tell. I, however, didn't know how to handle that. What could I do but make meals and act as normal and nice as I could?

It was stifling, like a hot room that I couldn't leave.

_What can I do?_

It wasn't like I was trying to help the situation, either – and it wasn't my fault, if I'm honest. He ignored me as much as I tried to rid myself of his presence in my heart.

I all I could do was wait for the day he said he was moving out. It wasn't coming any time soon. The anticipation was building, every time I saw him or Hyuk or a manager. It was like walking up stairs in the dark, expecting there to be one more step and then falling.

I was constantly falling, no ground in sight.

One week back into idoldom, and we got our script to study and practice. I've acted for a long part of my career and I was happy to have the distraction. On set, it's almost as if nothing were wrong.

Almost. Until Donghae rehearses positions, and our turn came to talk and dance and harmonize, it's nearly perfect. He's professional above everything, but he was looking at me like a hurt dog. It was a look I could never decipher.

When the set clears and we're reciting lines multiple times for the different cameras to catch, I'll catch the his eye. The studio lights reflected his eyes, on his brow, and he looked sad if I found myself looking long enough. Under the makeup and cocky persona, I could tell that I hurt him

It doesn't get better, I'm convinced, stalking off scene with my school bag and other props. _This will never get better._

“Aaaand, _Cut!_ ” Yelled the director after a suspenseful moment of angst. Donghae broke character in an instant, smiling as his eyes drifted over the set. He looked like he was searching for something – someone. I didn't stay for long, definitely not to find out.

As I left, it was Sungmin's turn, with Yesung and Kyu and Siwon. I didn't know which part they were preparing, but I was sure it was going well.

It went so well that scenes were wrapping up at only 5pm – a record, as far as movies go. Super Junior isn't the easiest to manage, so it was a blessing when the producers and staff told us to take the rest of the day off and spend it on review and practice.

The set was clearing, everyone shuffling around with their jobs and tasks. I escaped to the restroom, splashing off the extra makeup and refreshing myself.

I was washing the makeup from my face when Leeteuk opened the door behind me.

“Ahh, Ryeo-ssi, there you are,” he said, a leader's tone in his voice. I knew that he wanted to have a serious talk, even with the sleepiness in his eyes. He was disrobing, taking off his red tie.

“Teukie-hyung,” I said slowly, smiling. “Good set today!”

He smiled, pride swelling in his eyes. “Yes, yes it was.”

Maybe I can get out before he can talk to me? I didn't know if I could, but I tried anyway – I toweled my face dry with my personal rag, heading off toward the door. “I need to do vocals,” I stated plainly, heavily – the schedules weighed on me as much as him.

His smile sobered. “Wook,” he sighed, looking around the four-stall room for eavesdroppers. He reached out toward me, a gesture to stop me. “Stay a moment.”

I stood in place, cursing my luck. “Yes, Teukie?”

He draped his towel over his hands in front of him. “I know that all is going well. The movie is starting off so well, wouldn't you agree.”

I nodded simply. “Yes.”

He tilted his head, eyes sparkling. “So trust me when I say I'm asking not as your leader, but as your friend and hyung. Are you doing well?”

I didn't know the answer he was looking for, but I gave my ready-made one almost immediately. “Yes, I'm well. Tired and nervous about this movie, but not more than usual.”

He nodded his head a few lazy times. “Ahh, good, I see. I was just noticing that you and Donghae are a bit distant as of late and I was wondering –”

“We're okay, we're just working hard.”

Teuk gave me the look I knew too well – the warm look that felt like all your secrets spilling. “Ryeo-ssi, I know you two are working hard. But I know that's not why you're avoiding each other like sickness. You hardly say a word to him, and I thought it would work itself out. It hasn't.”

_Am I that obvious?_

I stuttered, stunned with the truth. “I just, I don't know why it's just –”

He reached out his hand and gripped my shoulder firmly. “Ah, let's say it, okay? I know that this has to do with him and Eunhyuk dating and that it involves your feelings.”

I was burning up, and all I could do was nod (yet again).

He rubbed my shoulder, comforting me like he always does. “This isn't good for either of you, Wook.”

“What else can I do?” I asked, whining desperately.

He chuckled. “Maybe you should talk. It can't hurt anything.”

I laughed, tasting the bitterness. “As if it could help. Teukie-hyung, he's dating Hyukjae, I can't just confess and expect him to love me.”

He was _actually_ nodding. It hurt to see such honesty. There really isn't hope.

“… well, yeah,” he said after a seconds hesitation. “But you should still try. Just to say it.”

I didn't know why he smiled, but I didn't ask because, honestly, my situation is as hopeless as ever. Why confirm it?

“Thank you, Hyung,” I said, finally. “I have to go,” I say, gathering my small bag.

“I understand.”

I headed to the stairwell, dodging eyes like I'm used to, trying my best to get to the car.

I had no idea how I got myself into this mess. It all started from a hug, a kiss that lingered too long – and now I'm head over heels for _him_. Acting stupid because of love.

I count the steps to the stairwell, until I'm out of the building and away from my problems. I got interrupted by the devil himself. Donghae walked at my side before even he knows it, taking the same path down stairs as I was.

We both reach for the handle before realizing who we're next to.

“Oh!” He exclaimed, smiling crookedly, unsure. He opened the door for me, gesturing in.

“Thanks,” I replied like a simpleton. _How can I make it any more uncomfortable?_

I didn't think I could until he started talking. “Wook-ah, we've hardly talked in weeks.”

The stairwell was home to only us as we descended. _I can't avoid it, can I?_ “It's been busy, I barely have time for sleep.”

It's a fair enough argument, he nodded. “We all have a lot to take on. Still… it doesn't feel right, not seeing you.”

We were at the second floor, two more to go till the basement. “… I know… it doesn't…”

Our feet echo as the only sound. “I just. Miss you,” He said, in an awkward, stilted way that fills me with guilt.

Shame is the mask I was always wearing. “Where's Hyuk?”

We hit a cold wall of air, and the basement door opened up to our pushing. “Oh. He's, uh, in practice. Dancing practice.”

I hate resenting my friend, but I do. “That's good, he needs the work.”

Hae snorted, ceding, “He got lazy.”

I hear the advice Teukie-hyung gave me not even five minutes before, and wonder, _is it worth i_ t? What could I expect out of trying to ruin another relationship?

Nothing good. Nothing moral. Nothing right.

“Wookie, we should talk. I don't like this. Can we t—”

I shook my head and start walking a head of him, stifling tears of frustration as I do so. “I uh, have to leave now – lessons start soon!”

“Oh – o-okay!” He says, shocked.

I'm at the cab, getting inside and letting myself break down.

“Good luck, Wookie!” He calls as I'm shutting the door.

I try to smile at him, but it's too late. I'm out of the building before 6pm, drained and already dreading this movie that I was supposed to love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is still close to my heart. Any opinions, anyone?


	8. Unavoidable Truths

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The news that comes to the group isn't unexpected. It's a break in routine, a wound on their hearts, and a lot to add onto the problems Ryeowook faces.

I hardly had the to grieve over losing Donghae – it wasn't the schedules and planning and recording that pulled me out from my pity hole and into reality. It wasn't even something that was unexpected in _any way._

Just unwanted.

The unwelcome news cam in the form of a text from Teukie-hyung. It left the bile in my stomach churning and unsettled. It was a simple text, no unusual or unexpected or suspicious.

_I've cleared up time tonight for a quick meeting. Please be home by 7PM! Thank you!_

Sent exactly four hours before, to the entire group, I stared at it in anticipation, looking for hidden meaning. _Anything_ to justify the sickness in my stomach that dizzied me whenever I looked back it. But what could I possibly see? Three sentences, three typical sentences that don't _mean_ anything.

Past meetings flashed over my memories and they all ended well – the last one we had was the once that announced the last music video we did and how we were going to work on it. That was all.

Why was it different this time?

I was surrounded by _everyone_ , and the same vibe circled around us in anxious chatter. We all knew what we _th_ _ought_ was going to happen – what we weren't going to say out loud. There was exactly ten minutes left before we were going to find out what we knew in our hearts to be true.

 _Possible_ , _not true_ , I corrected myself in thought, turning off my screen and taking a seat in the open couch. I could only pray that the inevitable could be delayed.

I was joined by Yesung, wearing a green sweater and red beanie. He was still wearing his set clothes. “Wooki,” he grinned, underling anxiety in his eyes. He pat my hand and settled into the slot next to me, letting out a harsh breath like all the bones in his body were cracking.

“Sungi,” I smiled back. I was drained and we both don't have a lot to say.

He breached it first. “You think it's true?”

I shook my head. “I can't jinx it.”

“That's wise. I really hope.”

He took hold of my hand, when words failed us both. He squeezed, a sign of solidarity. I was sure it was a gesture meant for a lot of reasons, but I missed seeing him too much and it was comforting all the same. I didn't think him moving out would be as odd as it was.

I squeezed back. “Me too."

I tried to feel optimistic, but that ambition was wiped clean from not only me, but all of us when Leeteuk came in from the hallway. We were waiting for him, just like he asked, and he was actually apologizing for being (five minutes) late. He talked and talked and it was far too nostalgic for my liking, all quiet words and memories and remembrance. It was a front.

I didn't have much time to wonder if Teuk knew that he was talking in the past tense – he stopped in mid sentence, looking over us, then sighed.

“I'm so proud of us,” he said, eyes glistening but not overflowing – yet. “And I will always be proud of us, no matter how much our lives change. And that's why, after this movie, I will be enlisting.”

Waves of tears came after that. We knew what the news was, but we _hoped_.

The night passed in food, and I was too ashamed to admit that I couldn't even make it for us when I was so upset. All the world stacked against me kept me from making food for us when we needed it. I was beside Sungmin for the quickest of moments before I saw Donghae and Eunhyuk comforting each other, and then I was off.

They were crying and I was almost crying and it was too much for one night to handle.

When the rounds of Soju passed around, my last memory before falling asleep in the living room was of Donghae and Eunhyuk taking me to my bed. I woke up with them laying me down, said something I can't remember.

And now I'm left with a hangover and the worst day ahead of me: schedules don't stop for military time, or for grieving.

I got out of the shower and dressed as minimally as possible. Most of the house was already out, as far as I could tell from how quiet the rooms were. It was just me, Donghae, and a pair of sunglasses to protect my Soju-sensitive eyes.

I was scrambling eggs when he came down stairs in a rush that nearly turned into a plunge.

“You okay?” I called out, salting and peppering the pan.

“Maybe,” he said, falling gracelessly into a table chair. “Do you know why I just tripped over Kyu's laptop?”

I snorted and shook my head, then winced at the rush of blood. Hangovers would never be worth it, I decided.

It was his turn to laugh. “You were a mess last night.”

I groaned loudly, hanging my head. I had hope I didn't do too many things that I would regret, but that would be asking too much.

I turned off the stove and stared at the eggs. “Was I the only one drunk?”

“No, actually. You, Sungmin, and Heechul were pretty far gone. Everyone had drinks, but you guys…”

My cheeks exploded in embarrassment, and Hae giggled too much at the fact. “What… oh god, what did I say?” I asked, scraping out the milky contents of the pan into the bowls.

“Uh, nothing that can't be unsaid. _Joking!_ ” He added when I looked at him like a shot horse. “You mostly just took turns trying to comfort everyone. With song. Nothing you don't normally do,” he sniggered.

I brought both our plates together on the table and covered my face with my palms.

He sounded more serious now – I wouldn't know, I wasn't looking at him when he cleared his throat. “Really, it's okay,” he says.

I slowly raised my head, my glasses falling off and exposing my eyes to the harsh rays of light in the kitchen. “God damn it,” I cursed, in no mood for this head ache. “Someone should have stopped me,” I admitted, forking the largest piece of egg into my mouth.

“Well, I did try,” he offered, mouth full of food.

He was always so sweet this way, so beautiful. So carelessly beautiful. It makes me want to be drunk again.

In spite of it all, it felt better to be with him again. Between us, the repair in the bridge that we once so freely crossed was being built.

I had no idea what made it different, but I was glad for whatever blessing it was.

We overslept and ate too late, so by the time we finished, we were rushing out without any more words.

 


	9. Studio Nights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An interlude - some studio time for these babs.

The company likes to have an abundance of songs and hours clocked in preforming these songs. This is a fact.

A lot of them don't see the light of the current album, and a good amount of time, they don't see the public's eye, _period._ Songs don't pan out, albums change directions, musical productions drop their production.

It's a part of the business to work on fruitless things.

We were in the studio, working on a song that I was sure was going to be one of _those_ songs.

I had that nagging feeling in the back of my mind, that _this_ song wasn't necessary. That this song about love and pining is the one to be cut, eventually. Out of the other songs for the album, the other themes, this was just… too sad.

 _Even for KRY_ , I thought, _this is too sad_. I was sitting in the half-studio, on the performance side of performance, watching the crew set up the song behind the glass

Donghae was sitting beside me, guitar in hand, tapping his foot to the beat we were singing, just seconds before. His eyes darted around the room, but he was too quiet, radiating energy that made me nervous.

His lyrics were on the chopping block, as we were waiting there, waiting for the tweaks to come full circle. There was nothing we can do for the time, so I leaned back in my chair and tried to get as comfortable as I could. The nerves of waiting never go away, but you can catch some sleep while you're doing so.

“They hate it,” Hae whispered.

My eyes springged open, but I'm still. “No they don't.”

“They're slicing and pulling and tearing it apart as we speak, and you really think they can like it?”

“Don't be dumb. They're sound engineers, of course they're looking at it with a critical eye. The lyrics are good, our singing is good… it's good.”

“… the lyrics aren't great.”

“They're sad, but good. Teukie-hyung loved them.”

“He loves everything, now.”

Hae was right about that one. Three days into the count down to the inevitable enlistment, and Teukie-hyung was already a mess. He loved everything we do, smiling at every joke, bathing in every moment as much as possible. He was a mess of nostalgia and reflection and sadness.

A few seconds passed. He was shaking his head in my peripheral. “It's getting cut.”

I didn't say anything. It's a performers intuition, after all, and it was one that I shared. He was probably right.

The silence between us grew into a tangible stale-mate. It's not even that bad any more, if I'm honest. The worst of it was earlier in the month with our hurt feelings and uncomfortable avoidances, the uncertainty of the new group dynamic.

Now? There's just… nothing in between us now. A soft blanket of quiet, nothing more.

Somehow, we played all of our pieces and were chasing squares across the chess board. Kings, without moves. Neither one of us wanted to cede, so we simply stood. We were dissolving.

We were in the middle of saying nothing, doing nothing, when the voice system clicked and producer noona's voice filtered through. “Okay, we need a vocal section now. Just the chorus and second verse. On your count.”

Donghae groaned as he sat up, setting aside his acoustic guitar and stretching his back. He flashed a smile in my direction, one that doesn't bend his eyes in any believable way. “You ready?”

I straightened up, pulling my head set over my ears. “Always.”

He held his fingers up. _Three, two, one_.

The recorded instruments kick in and _I'm waiting until_ …

I sink into the warmest, saddest feeling when Hae's voice filled the room.

“ _I can't take the pain of all these years_

_and turn them into beautiful words that you deserve_

_I try to show you all that I am,_

_all that you are_

_but am I too indirect?_

_Do you understand what I am when you are with me?_

_Private moments are special, rare, the real you is the only one I want to be with_

_The you that you are when you smile in spite of the years of heart ache”_

 

And then I readied my voice:

“ _When all we need is love, love, love_

_When what we are is more than just love_

_Where are you, I'm waiting? I'm asking all my friends_

_They say the same thing_

_We only need love, love, love”_

 

The strings from the recording turnred into delicate finger work, soft slides and soft chords. It faded, and then it was as if it never were. We got the thumbs up, and I returned the gesture.

We followed each others footsteps to the hallway, where it was loud and the traffic for the other studios filtered through like a big highway. It's never quite as busy, except in the start up of a season of production.

I sighed, paying the machine for a bottled water. “Hey, want one?” I said absentmindedly. I waited for a few seconds, but he says nothing.

_Why doesn't he just tell me?_

I was going to say something when I noticed what he's doing. His phone was open, away from me, and he typed as quickly as possible.

“Hae? Is everything okay?” My heart thrummed at the thought of it being Leeteuk and him delivering even worse news. Is that something that could happen at this point?

He nodded vaguely, not quite present with me. “Everything… everything is fine. Teukie-hyung is asking about dinner...”

The matter dropped, but the entire day gave me feelings like something bad happened. I couldn't concentrate on anything, not even my singing, and the last hours of recording were hell 

By the end of the night, I was a coffee-chugging, sleepless mess. My bed felt like a coffin, a place for me to die by the end of the activities, and I could never get comfortable.

_What is happening? Why did life feel like shambles and crumbling ground?_

 

The night passed slowly. Street noise flowed over the windows. The cold floor echoed with all the things Donghae kept kicking off the end of his bed. It's covered in pens and books and each one grates on my nerves, a metallic clink that makes me flinch with anger.

“It's stressful times,” he said, parroting my words from earlier in the week, sleep coating his throat like molasses.

I didn't know if he knew that I'm awake or not, but I needed to answer him, even though he never asked a question. “I wish it would… slow down. I wish it waited for us to catch up.”

He grunted in approval.

 

When he's asleep, I am not.

When I _am_ asleep, he is there, like the sound track to my empty dreams. He was the voice singing about love in the fantasy of a dream and it was that that woke me, that turned my fingers into trembling messes, griping for traction on hot sheets.

It is only ever quiet when I wake at 12am – until I heard tapping. Tapping like texting, fingers on screens.

_Who is he talking to?_

I wished to never find out.


	10. Getting a Little Curious, Now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The plan is going wrong. It's about time for everyone -- even Donghae -- to come clean.

 I was taking a lot of time to reflect, the days after the drama settled. When I wasn't with the members (which is rare, as I wanted as much time with them as possible. Teukie-hyung was always doing things and when he's off schedule, he wanted us to be there.) then I'm taking my own reflection time.

I knew that I was the one making things difficult, not only for me, but for my fellow members, for Donghae especially. Sungmin may have been annoyed that I wasn't taking the hit and telling Hae what I've been feeling, and Kyuhyun might be upset that we're making the group awkward, Donghae is the one to experience it. Hyuk had to experience it. 

Neither of them deserve it. Not for being happy together.

 _My bitterness_ _can'_ _t hurt anyone but me_ , I concluded. I was chopping salad vegetable in the kitchen when I decided that my mood has gone on long enough. It's gotten me nothing but cold beds and poor performances and a lot of pitiful gazes.

Most of the members were on their schedules when I started dinner – they were going to get back soon, and it was going to be a rare night where everyone could be there. When I was half way through cooking the meats and rice, I heard two voices come from the stairwell. It was Heechul and… ?

“ _It's been going on for way longer than it should,_ ” Heechul was saying. The words were serious but he was chuckling.

Eunhyuk was probably shaking his head. _“I know. I don't know how to get him to cut this shit out, it's just annoying at this point.”_

“ _Aah God, it's so silly. This could all be fixed in one minute if he just said so.”_

I tried to listen harder, leaning toward the door just behind me, but they were either quieter or stopped coming. What could that have meant? Why did it make my stomach turn?

Their feet tapped on the wood once and twice and then it their slow stride hit the kitchen hallway. As soon as they came through the kitchen, I could tell that they stopped talking because someone was there.

Because _I_ was there.

“Oh,” Heechul said, surprised. He still couldn't get the grin out of his voice, and curiosity burned at me to ask what they were talking about. “Hey, Ryeo-ssi! Dinner smells good!”

I turned and started to un-knot my apron. I smiled. “Thank you! It'll be ready when everyone is back, I think.”

Eunhyuk looked freshly showered, and eyed the pot of seasoned meat behind me with ravenous eyes. I smiled, in spite myself, and gestured over my shoulder. “You can get some now, I won't tell.”

He smiled, all gums and cheer, and took no time to grab a chopstick and take a bit. _“Oh my god this is so good_.”

Heechul smirked, “You really know how to take care of us, Ryeo-ssi.”

He reached out for a bite and I smacked his hand as soon as I saw it. He turned from smiling to glaring in a heart beat. “ _Ow!_ What was _that_ for? _”_

“No food yet!” I scold.

“Why does _he_ get a bite?”

“He's been exercising for hours!”

Eunhyuk snorts through his bite, and Heechul storms off, and I'm left wondering why Hyuk get's a bite that I'd never give out before dinners finished. He had been working out, that is true, but I knew that I just felt guilty and couldn't hold it against him.

I need to start making amends, I decided between stirring and chopping. Now is the time to make it up, while Leeteuk is still here.

It was thirty minutes past and Hyuk broke me out of my thought-wallowing with a loud laugh. I looked up and he's shaking his head at something. He changed into comfortable seasonal-looking clothes, and dances his way to the stove top.

He took another bite and I didn't stop him.

Apparently, he noticed, because the look he gave me was unmistakably confused, knit brow and half-chewed food behind his cheeks. He swallowed and I sat up to check the pots.

He looks around before looking back to me. “Hey, Ryeo-ssi?”

“Yes?” I felt the question coming and I honestly didn't have an answer.

“Are you okay?”

_How do I answer that?_

_No._ “Of course. Why do you ask?”

He raised his eyebrows in an _isn't it obvious?_ Look. “I was just checking, it's been busy and I haven't been seeing you around that much. And, also, you know… you and Donghae really haven't been… ah, god, I don't mean to meddle. But you two aren't acting well and it's been worrying me.”

My heart raced when I thought about my answers. This is the way it could be ruined, for all of us. This answer could hurt everyone – it could hurt more than just me.

And the worst part? It would betray Hyuk's trust. I shook my head, trying to play off a smile as I distracted myself with food that was already ready. “We're fine. Really. I know it's tense, but it's just stress.”

He took another bite. “That's true, but.. ahh, I just don't think that's all there is.”

“No more,” I said in a weak voice. He wasn't about to give up, and I didn't have any good lies or convincing confidence to convince him otherwise.

He chuckled. “This is really good.”

“Thanks.”

“Ryeo-ssi… we both care about Donghae, and I know that he cares too. This is getting really uncomfortable and I don't want it to sour anything.”

Should I make something up, deny the whole business of it, or admit to something so shameful? How can everyone walk out of this a winner?

I will never feel more defeated than when Donghae's boyfriend comes to me to settle our problems. “I know.”

“Just talk to him.”

I looked up from the cabbage I tore to shreds, about to _confess_ , when a sliding sound and a _thump_ break my train of thought. I looked over Hyuk's shoulder and saw that Heechul slid into the door frame, his socks slick and his smile wide. He had something on his mind, but he must have seen the seriousness between me and Hyuk and thought better of it.

“Did you tell him?” His eyes widened and his smile turned impish.

“ _No._ ” Hyuk's glare was slicing.

“Why not?”

“Wait,” I tried to interject, but Hyuk was already across the room trying to smother Heechul.

“ _But –mpphh – he needs – thi – IS RIDICULOUS – in lo – with – OW!”_

It ended very quickly and almost violently when Hyuk smacked Heechul with an open cook book.

“Shut up!”

“What? Now this is on me? You know he needs to –”

“What is going on?” Came up from the hallway, our leader peering around the corner to the three of us. We were still, and he surveyed us for a few seconds.

“What's going on?” He repeated.

Heechul shrugged, running his fingers through his hair to tame it back. “You know what's happening.”

Leeteuk's eyebrows raised a fraction, softening.

“It hasn't happened,” Hyuk added, then sighed.

I never felt so alien. “What the hell are you guys talking about? What hasn't happened? _Well?”_

Teukie-hyung _should_ have been mad with them fighting, but instead he was (at most) mildly annoyed at them. They all laughed to each other, dispersing as soon as I said anything.

Teuk came up to me and gripped my shoulder. “You'll understand… soon, hopefully. And… well, this is meddling, but you should, ah, tell Donghae.”

I tried to will the heat out of my face. “T-tell him wha—”

Teuk's eyebrows turned into arches. _“Trust me_.”

He left me at that, with nothing but cryptic sounding words and a huge weight in my chest that told me that he knew about my feelings.

Was he… giving me permission?

I would ask later. As soon as the food was accounted for, for some strange timing coincidence, everyone came in at the same time. They were all done with their scenes and choreography and were so hungry that second servings topped out in ten minutes. I found myself apologizing for not making triple what I did.

It was 8PM when I stood to help gather dishes. Everyone was talking, but Leeteuk noticed as he was taking a drink. “Ah! Ryeowook! Let us take this in, you made so much on your off day!”

“Oh, no, I s –”

Did he _roll_ his eyes? “No, really, let us. Uh, Heechul, Hyuk, Sungie, Donghee, Sungmin… Kyuhyun, Siwon – gather everything, help me in the kitchen.”

I sat back down slowly as Sungmin grabbed my plate and stacked it on his. Was he smiling, or was I imagining the entire thing?

I knew that something was _definitely_ wrong when I realized (too late) that Donghae and I were the only ones in the living room, and that we were left jobless for the evening with (apparently) absolutely no excuse not to talk to each other?

_What are we supposed to say?_

Eunhyuk whispered something to Hae, who curtly nodded. With his free hand, Hyuk gave him the thumbs up and then shot me a hopeful gaze before disappearing into the kitchen.

In 30 seconds, the tenseness returned to us. At least it was _something_ , and not this void I was used to feeling. It was being aware of the other and seeing that there was a problem.

I smiled to myself, but I hoped he would notice it. I hope he'd see all I couldn't say.

“Hey, Wookie?”

I looked up. “Yes?”

He rubbed his palms together, staring at them like the answers lied between them. He stood from the middle seat of the sofa, looking at me. Tender, glowing, soft eyes – they were focused on me. “Do you mind coming with me? I...” A deep breath filled his silence. “I think we should talk.”

I looked to the kitchen. “Well...”

He shook his head, pursing his lips. “Nope, no – they don't need help. They can handle it.”

He was standing at my feet now, offering a hand.

I took it, hesitating, knowing that all that I put off was going to tumble down on me and I was going to get in the way of a happy couple and their group.

He helped me up. “Then… lets talk.”

“Real talk,” he amended, walking with me to the stairs. I nodded in agreement. _I might as well._

One by one, we passed each step to the front door, the gate, the street in the moonlight.

It was a quiet night, unlike all the others. There weren't cars, it was chilly and no one wanted to be out when their homes were warmer.

Neither of us were dressed for the weather, but we stood at the street nonetheless.

“So… what did you want to say?” I asked, facing him and all the words that filled his eyes.


	11. A little bit of perfect

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Donghae is dumb, but so is Ryeowook.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! A story! I decided to go back and write the story they DESERVE to have! I originally wrote a lazy wrap up story for them instead of following through, so I hope this is okay! I'm such a lonely RyeoHae shipper ;_; But if you would, indulge me! Please show this love if you liked it!

 “What did you want to talk about?” Was my question. A few paces away, we stood at the edge of the street in the biting temperatures, in the sinking light from the sky being reflected on the clouds on the horizon.

“I just wanted to talk.” He was shaking at this point, the cold air making him stutter. His dark skin was flushed against the wind.

“Shouldn't we do this inside?” I offered, feeling bad about how cold he was.

“No, no, it's better out here.”

“Hey, you're cold. Let's go back,” I offered again, pointing over my shoulder. I could see my breath and I knew he must be suffering.

He smiled, awkwardly, slowly shaking his head. “No, no, this is better this way. Hyukie was right, we do need to talk. Walk with me, please?”

“… Hae, why not at home?” My blood was fuel in my ears, my cheeks. I was flushed, and not (just) from the weather.

I couldn't fathom why he took my hand, but I held it, keeping it warm for him while he struggled to find words. He looked so worried, I was upset to see him like this. What could upset him so badly?

“Just, trust me. Okay?” His deep eyes were the warmest brown, and they were begging, sparkling with light within him, bearing everything in front of me.

I nodded, licking my dry lips, and he smiles shyly. So shy, I'm not sure what to do with it.

He pulled us forward, a slow trot over the sidewalks. Seoul light pollution is very real, but in that moment, the sky shone with it's own light that couldn't entirely be drowned out by the city. The stars could be seen, if I squinted – but I could only see Donghae, with his hand in mine and his red cheeks and the reading glasses that he forgot to take off. It was calm under the iceless winter blanket, a bubble of isolation so perfect that I couldn't dare break it.

“Wook-ah,” he whispered, pressing our palms closer together. “I can't find the right words. I've never had the right words, no matter what. Even if I know what they are before, I never know them after. I want to be beautiful and say beautiful things, but I can't now.” He let go of my hand, braving the cold as he moved to the small of my back. I was shivering under his touch, but I would never tell him that it was him doing this to me.

“I wish,” he looked at me, all passion and charisma covered in bangs and shining irises. “I really wish I could have just… said it.”

I couldn't let myself hope. _There's no way to hope, not when he's dating Eunhyuk._

He was so nervous, I felt it in his uneven breathing when I return the gesture and wrapped my arms around his back.

“Said… what?” I prompted, swallowing and looking to the slowly moving concrete beneath our matched pace.

“Ah, god!” He laughed, the anxious way he does. “I should have never tried this stupid business. Ryeowook, stop here.”

I listened to him, stopping underneath the light poll. I let him hold both my hands, again, like he couldn't make up his mind what exactly to do. He rolled his fingers over my palms, not saying anything. He was letting me react, letting me feel him like I've always wanted. I couldn't hold his eyes like that. I averted them down, then to the street, anywhere that would't betray me. He cleared his throat softly, threading our fingers together and letting them lock between us.

His hands trembled, a tremor in each finger. “I want more words to tell you how much I never want to let your hands go.”

“Hae…”

“I've tried so many times, but it didn't work out. You've tried, and I knew what you were going to say, but then someone or something gets in the way.” His eyes were harshly intense, and I couldn't look away. “I can just tell… I just know, deep inside me, what is supposed to happen. And I think you do too. You're still letting me talk your ear off, like an idiot – I _know_ what I'm supposed to do...”

He leaned in and let his sweet breath cascade over my lips. “Just say yes,” he said, his lips brushing against mine. “If you understand what I mean, please...”

His breath was on my lips and we were both nervous wrecks, shaking like children who have never felt love from another.

My heart was furious and frantic when I closed my lips to his. “ _Yes..._ ”

Our lips sealed like a kid's kiss, like the delicate territories have yet to be explored. He trembled like touching me was the most exciting thing in the world. Like I'm the most amazing kisser, when I know I'm not.

He parted my lips just a second later, the first one to brave the unknowable. _“Ryeowook...ah...”_ He said into my mouth, melting me in this cold still-frame of time, like a flame to ice, like he knows what he does to me.

He's so cold, still shivering, but my hands painted a warm trail around his stomach to his back, pulling him closer, warmer, _nearer_. He moaned softly, it was so painfully sweet to taste, to feel against my lips as they moved against his.

He drew his fingers over my chest, hooking around my neck, but he pull away.

I was dazed, and his starry-eyed gaze was as starless as ever. Neither of us stopped smiling, but it was a shy and painfully awkward sort of silence. I think I love it.

_It's on the tip of my tongue and I want to say it..._

“And I want the time to show you that I love you,” he said, small, simply, hope in his eyes like this delicate, tiny piece of perfect would be dashed.

I couldn't tell if he meant it or not, if it was a joke or not, if I _deserve_ _d_ _it or not_. I'm crying when he looked at me and smiled – his troubled frowning turned into an expression that mirrored mine. “Hae…” I leaned in and wrap my arms around his waist, hoping my words weren't too soft to reach his ear. _Now or never..._ “I love you.”

“Oh god, Ryeo, I love you,” He said in a long, shaking breath that cascaded over my neck, my ear, reminding me of warmth and _home_.

It hit me right then, right as he presses a sloppy kiss to my ear, that I kissed a man with a _boyfriend._ Hyuk's _boyfriend._

I groaned out loud, remembering who I would have to face at home, after kissing his boyfriend. After _confessing_ to his boyfriend.

“...w-what?” Hae began, in worried confusion, raising an eyebrow to me as I pulled away.

I was almost crying when he looked at me. “What about Hyukkie? You two are dating and I kissed you and now I… I can't believe I did this…! And why would you – ”

He smiled, amused. He pressed his lips to mine quickly. “See… god, you don't understand it do you? I can't believe I thought it would work.”

“What?”

He was shivering too harshly as we turned around, trotting back against the biting wind. There were small houses and shops to either side of us and we were blessed with a moment without fans or flashing cameras or _people._

He bit his lips when he looked at me, like he couldn't say something that he desperately wanted to say. “I … okay, I may have pretended… that we are dating, but to be fair I was really desperate and kind of a chicken so I thought…”

It doesn't quite _hit_ me. It doesn't registure as anything for a few seconds.

And then it _did,_ and scenes from the past few months started to fill my mind.

“Wait! Is that why you were laughing? Weeks ago?”

He rolled his lips, laughing and blushing at the same time.

“I can't believe it!” I smacked his arm with more force than I should have, and he recoiled, laughing despite my outburst.

“Why would you try that? You just thought it would be fun to make my life hell?”

His laughter cut off, like it was never there. Like there was no humor in this situation. And there wasn't, for God's sake, he'd made me believe the worst for the better part of the month!

I couldn't even help pouting and walking faster, I was too upset.

“I'm sorry,” He amended, matching my pace and taking hold of my hand again. I huffed. He _couldn't_ get off that easy, I decided, even though I already forgave him.

The light's of the gate were familiar and when we neared them I could almost taste the heat, the warmth, the _bed_ that was waiting form me. He was beside me like a puppy, worried and panicking and talking a million words a second.

 

“I'm so, so sorry,” he was saying, so pitifully. “I didn't think it would be a bad idea! It wasn't even official, you were supposed to come to me and ask my real feelings and I was… oh, god, this sounds so stupid. Oh my God, this… this plan was horrible… Why did everyone just… _go along with it?_ ”

 

I couldn't hold back anymore. It was _my_ turn to laugh, this time. “Oh, Hae! How did you think that would work?”

 

He was worried, but my genuine laugh eased him a bit. “I just… was really scared to talk to you. I didn't think you could like guys and then Sungmin said you _did_ and well—”

 

I stopped us immediately, the door within reach. I could sense curious eyes through upper story windows, but I had no idea who was watching. “He what?”

 

“Don't worry! He knew I liked you for years and –”

 

“ _Years?_ Is that why he was laughing? Him and Kyu and…?”

 _I'm an idiot_ , I thought, thinking back to them them, the way they were _always_ acting like the world was a joke.

The way Leeteuk came to me and told me to talk to them. Heechul and Eunhyuk, talking about a _plan_ , arguing…

“Are you.. kidding me? Why did you try this when you _knew_? I would never try to split up a happy couple! You know that!”

He was blushing, but this time it was with embarrassment. “… I now realize that...”

I couldn't take it any more, my life was spiraling beneath me and it was dizzying to think about. I tugged him to me and kissed him, like I've always wanted to. Like I should have, but never had the courage to do. He was still talking and I tried so hard to shut him up. It took a minute for him to get the hint.

My lips separated for him, letting him in, letting him pant and sigh and say _my_ name as we got carried away.

He trailed his cold hands over my sides, over my hips, touching me like treasure. He teased the edges of my shirt, worrying the edges under finger tips, slipping under and –

“Hey perverts! _Get a room!_ ”

We jumped apart, torn apart with fear when we looked around. _Did someone see?_ Was a mob of paparazzi about to jump out and show us our scandalous pictures? I looked around, panicked, until I looked up and saw Heechul leaning out the window with a smile on his face.

Donghae slapped his knees and laughed as soon as he saw him, that nervous way he does.

“It's about time!” Heechul added, slipping back inside, into warmth.

_Speaking of which…_

I opened the door and tugged Donghae in with all my eagerness. We rushed up the stairs and got to our floor.

When we saw everyone, I felt the full effects of the embarrassment hit me like a pound of bricks. I was finally free of the blindfold, the last to be let in on the “secret”. How did I not notice?

I learned two things:

1, they know damn well how to do dishes, and to do them quickly, because everyone was already on their own business. And 2, they were _happy_ for us.

Leeteuk was in his chair, in the living room, wearing glasses and warm, seasonal looking clothes. He gave us a sweet, motherly look, like he is the most proud parent. He spared me a wink. “Ah, there the happy couple is. Can I get a _Fighting_?”

The household echoed poorly timed _fighting!_ And the odd woot. Donghae was blushing more than I was and Kyu came up to us to give a group hug. “Ahh! The sexual tension is over! Thank god!”

“ _Kyu_ ,” I said, trying to scold but failing because everything seemed _right_. How could I be _mad_ when my world reset itself? It seemed like home, one I could return to and have Donghae waiting for me. One I would always be welcomed in,

Sungmin passed us by, smiling. “I told you, you're so _dense_.” Then he gave Hae the once over. “You too. This plan was seriously the worst way to seduce him, you know that?”

“You could have said something!” Donghae yelled, joking but also not joking. He was realizing that everything – _everything_ ­ _-_ could have been easier and could have happened four weeks earlier, if he'd just tried.

 _I could have tried too_ , I added in thought.

“This way was funnier!” Donghee said from the kitchen, pouring a warm drink from the corner of my eye.

I laughed. “I hate you all, you know that?”

Yesung was laughing from the living room, joined by Heechul. Siwon smiled at us in the gentle act of giving us his blessing, and we smiled back as he passed his way out.

Eunhyuk came from the hallway, eying us up and down with amazement. I almost felt guilty – _until_ I remembered that he wasn't dating Hae. Until he holds up both hands for us, grinning.

We both gave him a high-five, and he brought us into a tight embrace that quickly turned into a tiny dance. “Ahh! You two! It's so cute, you know that?”

Donghae blushes easier than I do, I learned. I held his hand, even though I wanted to kiss him. _I'll have time later_ , I thought.

The evening was quite an ordeal, and for some reason they decided that it was something to celebrate with takeout _desert_. It arrived just a few minutes after us and it was some of the best sweet food I've had (that wasn't my own). Traditional Korean pastries over some Soju made for a great night, filled with laughing and singing and Hae holding my hand like it was the most natural thing in the world.

RyeoHae was a large portion of our conversations, and it only escalated from there. They wondered about how long they knew how we both felt, that they opened a betting pool three years previous and had to close it because we never acted, and even discussed our ship name. RyeoHae won over DongWook, and no one liked the turn it took when Heechul mentioned soundproofing our room so we don't disturb the rest of the house hold and their schedules. We took the Soju away and called it a night.

I didn't know what was supposed to happen, once I knew all that _could_ happen. All those possibilities that couples get to explore, experience…

My heart was in my throat, in my lungs, rattling my chest and my breath that I dared to even breath. My nerves were all open wire as we retired to our room at the knowing eyes of my friends, my brothers.

The hall was dark and he was behind me when I get to our door. I hesitated for a second.

He wrapped himself around my waist. His strong forearms were still and sure and focused and his breath on my ear burned my body alive. “Wook,” his voice deepened, pressing his lips to the shell of my ear, making me shiver. “Let's go slow.”

I nodded, a bit disappointed, but relieved. “Mmmhmm… yeah...”

The room is lit blue. I looked around, confused, until I remember the lights he strung weeks ago. I sniggered a bit, recalling his words. “You're right, it does go together.”

He was undressing behind me, and I kept my eyes on the scenery to not imagine him without clothes. “I'm glad you like it...”

As I got dressed, I felt a pang self conscious and unsure, feeling so vulnerable. _What if I'm the one to mess this up?_

_What is there to mess up?_

I slipped into oversized clothes, shutting the lit on my thoughts. I turned around, and smile a tiny smile. He was sleeping in his flannel blue pants, wearing nothing more. He smiled when he caught my look, gesturing over to his side of the room, his bed.

“Sleep with me? I don't know if it's too much for now, but if you want to… you can...”

“We've slept in the same bed countless times,” I said, trying to defuse the awkwardness. We were getting under the sheets and, when we ended up facing each other, we laugh. It was so new that we couldn't help but laugh.

“We're a mess,” he whispered, sleep falling over his eyes like a blanket of snow. He let me pull him near and wrap my arms around his torso.

“I know,” I whispered back. “I like it.”

His eyes were mellow and I thought that I know what love _looks_ like. He kissed my nose, rubbing circles into my back that turn me into taffy. My giggle was small, anxious, and entirely turned on.

He understood what it meant. He kissed me again, this one urgent, like he needed it, needed all I could give. He tasted so good, like toothpaste and eager passion, and...

 _Oh god_ , _is this perfect..._

I was panting, matching his soft lips when they move against mine. I let him put his body on me, against me with a hand on my stomach, picking up the pieces from every time we hurt each other.

I wanted to go slow, but a look at our bodies, hot and warm beneath the sheets in the blue glow of the room, and I knew that _something_ was going to happen.

Maybe not everything. _Definitely_ not everything. But something. 

My heart stuttered, my breath escaped me as easily as it came, but I could handle it.

I wanted it, and a look into Hae's black, dilated eyes told me he was wanting more. Even if it wasn't all, it was _some_. 

“You sure…?” he murmured against my ear.

I nodded, pressing soft kisses to his neck. “Yes, I've always been.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, it's nice to have a finished work. That's a first! I hope you liked this! I'm glad my babs made it this far, and I'm glad you also made it this far haha!  
> I want to mention that now that this is done, it's in a state of editing! So point out anything you see that might sound odd and I'll love you forever! :D
> 
> Thank you!

**Author's Note:**

> I'm finishing ALL of my fictions, including this one, no matter what. Any suggestions?


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